Feature » Queer

An Open Letter to Octogenarians

(Except, of Course, Betty White)

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Dear Fellow Cottonheads and Bluehairs:  

So! Our national nightmare is about to become a reality. First they co-opted the words "gay" and "queer"; now those dadgum homos are trying to pass their "marriage equality" with a "majority" of "public opinion."  Undeniably a step back for God-fearin' real Americans, the new legislation will surely carry us all to h-e-double-hockeysticks in an h-a-n-d-b-a-s-k-e-t. Well, take heart, codgers and biddies! We will not be silenced. We will not pitch ourselves into a gaping abyss. We will not leave our Buicks running while our garage doors are closed. We refuse to expose ourselves to the TB by vacationing in the third world. Every cloud—even the bleakest—has a silver lining. Fortunately, this one has (at least) seven.   

1.  I'll begin with a biggie. Proponents of the desecration of marriage will, at long last, stop harassing us about their "rights." No longer will our landlines be flooded by pleas from heathens and "allies." No more homo robocalls interfering with our dial-up connections. No more interruptions during canasta games, afternoon naps, or—most importantly—Perry Mason and Matlock.   

2. Remember sweet ol' Phyllis Schlafly and her crusade against the Equal Rights Amendment? Her son, Andrew, started the website Conservapedia and, in doing so, continues to expose the truth about gays. Like how, in Massachusetts, same-sex marriage led to a decline in property values, he says. Or that, because "homosexual couples have higher rates of promiscuity than heterosexual couples... allowing gays to marry would make gays seek more partners." Who cares if these quotes are unsubstantiated and/or a misrepresentation of research? Any Schlafly opinion is good enough for us!

3. Besides the Schlaflys, there will always be like-minded people around to fight the good fight. We've still got Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and—as long as they remain a "church" for tax-exempt status—Westboro Baptist.  

4. Gay marriage will make gay divorce rates skyrocket. Since happiness is a zero-sum game, their strife means more mirth for us!  

5. For the priests, Mormons, and US senators among us, same-sex marriage may make pedophilia and polygamy laws more lenient.  

6. Brokeback Mountain did not—and will not—receive the Oscar for best picture.  

7. Finally, the only one that is truly reassuring... we'll all be dead soon anyway! At present, heaven is populated by the best of the best. Since Adam and Eve walked the earth 6,000 years ago, heaven has been chockfull of righteous folk. Considering they weren't even invented until the late 1960s, even if gay people were allowed in heaven, it would take them several millennia to outnumber us. Just imagine those already inhabiting the glorious afterworld: Ronald Reagan, Jesse Helms, Nipsey Russell... bliss indeed. Take us now!     

See you there...

Will Gardner

(80 and feelin' great-y!)

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