Dear Elitist All-Weather Bike Commuter

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Rather than feel happy that there is a) one less car on the road, and b) someone is trying to make a lifestyle change for the better, your judgmental ass is angry that these damn dirty fat people are taking up your precious bicycle lanes.

It's not like all of us had positive fitness role models growing up. But at least some of us were taught compassion and empathy by our mothers. I hope one of the hundreds of fat, wheezing, akimbo bikers like myself you just tried shamed does give up, and doors your fucking elitist ass because there is one more car in Portland.

Maybe your face can finally match that ugly jiz-stain of a unwanted growth you call a heart.

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