Do Not Say Anything to Me About Valentine’s Day

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Hi lady friend, I do not like you in the way you like me. You’re creeping me out and that’s why I haven’t called you or returned your text message or late night emails. Frankly, you’ve been crossing the line for a while, and I’ve only tolerated it because you’re trying really hard in life. I am proud of you, and yet disappointed too. With all of your energy, I would think some of it would translate into brain power. My friends have cut you off because you crossed lines with them too, you can’t keep falling in love with every boy who crosses your path, especially if they just want to be your friend. If you haven’t noticed, I’m the only dude in your life worth a damn, and that’s entirely your fault. But, I probably should have walked away too, tossing a match on the fuel soaked bridge behind me. Please do not try some desperate stunt to jam yourself into my life in the delusional hope that Valentine’s day will be different. It won’t, you’re insane for thinking it will, and I’m damn sure you’re planning something, so stop now, save your money and time for class. If I receive a fucking email from the Mercury, I know it will be from you because the other girls in my life (yeah, I’m not desperate! I just never tell you about my girlfriends) don’t do that stuff, so I will see straight through your obscure and cute message like your failed and embarrassing I,A awhile back. Don’t even try: find it somewhere else.

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