Fireworks Video Blockbuster: Boss Dance Tunes, Scorched Mannequins, a Burning Car, Sad Dogs... and a Sincere, Sober Message From Our Fire and Police Chiefs

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Hey! It's finally drunky-boomstick-meat-and-patriotism season in America! Check out the calendar!

For some people (mainly hillbillies and pyromaniacs), that means it's time for the annual pilgrimage to Vancouver and its plentiful pop-up fireworks emporiums, where arch-hillbillies huckster you to death on dirt roads and under dusty skies.

For everyone else, aside from the illicit joys of an illegal neighborhood light-and-sound show on the night of July 4 itself (and only that night), it's a recipe for weeks of noise and nuisance, especially for veterans and pet owners and parents of light-sleeping babies (same difference).

And, so, Portland's fire and police chiefs have drawn from the city's social-media budget to remind you that all the cool fireworks are illegal in Oregon and also to beg you not to buy them and/or light them on fire.

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