Good Morning, News!

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GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I don't mind you hangin' out, and talkin' in your sleep. It doesn't matter where you've been, as long as it was deep, yeah. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

JP Morgan Chase, Bank of America, and Citibank pay a total of $18.5 billion for their sneaky, despicable roles in bad loans and foreclosure abuses.

The White House announces that counterterrorism advisor John O. Brennan will take the sexually shamed David Petraeus' place as the new CIA chief. (Why does anyone want this job?)

A "raring to go" Hillary Clinton returns to work after doctor's dismiss her from the hospital because of a now dissolved blood clot. Hey! Republicans were planning on running that blood clot in 2016!

Journalists at a Chinese newspaper go on strike—and seem to have the backing of the populace—out of concerns for censorship from the provincial propaganda officials.

According to records, there were 24,000 rapes in India during 2011 (about one every 22 minutes)—and now, following the death of a gang raped woman, the country is teetering toward having their own "Arab Spring."

A Hall of Fame track coach, whose story of recovering from a paralyzing car accident inspired many, is stepping down from her position after admitting an "intimate" affair with a student.

A gun nut Marine (who seems to be extremely paranoid) writes a letter about refusing to register his assault rifles, and it captures the attention of extremely paranoid gun nuts everywhere! (Try to contain your shock.)

Another gun nut kills three people and himself in an Aurora, Colorado home. (Aurora? Why does that name sound familiar?)

Not all nuts are gun nuts! An Alabama hillbilly's plot to use explosives to kill six black students and one presumably gay white is foiled by the police.

Justin Bieber gets caught smoking weed, and apologizes? DUDE, the president smoked weed!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Unseasonably balmy today and tomorrow with showers continuing into the week.

And finally, what do you get when a man attaches a GoPro camera to the end of his trombone slide? The newest internet craze!

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