How to Watch Breaking Dawn Part 2 If You Know Nothing About Twilight

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Vampire = Normal person + make up
  • Vampire = Normal person + make up
This weekend sees the release of final chapter in the Twilight Saga. Provided they don't immediately reboot it Spiderman-style, this is your last chance to catch the Emo Dead on the big screen. If you've avoided the series so far (Yay!) but you're thinking of seeing this one because it's the last one (Boo!), here are some things to watch for that'll make it more fun.

Can they make K Stew beautiful?
BDp2 starts right as Bella becomes a vampire. In the silly world of Twilight, that means she becomes beautiful, elegant, and poised. The problem is Kristen Stewart was type-cast as the other Bella, the clumsy, awkward one who always looks like she just smelled a fart.

Sure, they're gonna cake her in make-up, but that can't make give her poise or disguise her acting. In part 1, the studio used liberal CGI to make her look gaunt and pregnant, perhaps they'll use a similar trick to make her less like Kristen Stewart.

Did they cover up the pedophilia subplot?
A cornerstone of the book is Jacob falling in love with Bella's newborn. Stephanie Meyer tries to make it seem less creepy than IT CLEARLY IS, but the fact remains, he's got a crush on a baby.

Sure, it's mostly platonic for now, but it's not always going to be. He gives her a promise ring for her first Christmas. As soon as she reaches 7 years of age (don't worry, she's half vampire so that's full maturity), he's going to be with her. At one point he thinks of that, and it makes him shiver. Yes, really. Stephanie Meyer actually alludes to Jacob getting a wolf boner (a howler?) while thinking about Renesmee. Gross. GROSS!

The first movie glosses over this detail (to its tremendous credit), but it's critical to the story in the second half. Keep your eyes out for the way the film dances around this without turning into a whiny Lolita.

Can they make the ending seem exciting?
The second half of Breaking Dawn is a build up to a battle that (spoiler alert!) DOESN'T FREAKING HAPPEN. The book ends in a climactic... negotiation. And then everybody gets what they want, nothing bad happens, and everybody goes home happy. Sound like a gigantic let down? You don't know the half of it.

How will the team at Summit Entertainment deal with horribly unexciting source material? The good news is they have lots of practice.

Do the fans in the theater enjoy it?
The most fun thing to watch will be the crowd. The first book came out in 2005, and seven years can produce a lot of change for teens. The audience might be in their early twenties by now, and on to bigger and better soap operas.

To make matters worse, fans of the series largely hated this book (it's the only one we agree on, actually). This could lead to some wonderfully jaded reactions. If you can, try to sneak some extra schadenfreude into the theater with your illicit Skittles.

Obviously, the safest thing to do is not see the movie. But if you're trying to sleep with a 22-year-old and she really wants to go, keep these four questions in mind and you'll have a good time. And then you might be able to show her your howler later.

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