I Tried, but Couldn’t Stop It

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After a few years of "maybe someday I'll try it", I finally went to my first Yoga class. It was great. I got a good sweat in and I felt more pliable than I have in years. The instructor had us close our eyes and stretch the neck a little bit. I was feeling incredibly relaxed when BAM, my old nemesis the NRB (No-Reason Boner) popped in. Once it got started I could do nothing to stop it. I tried to shut down my metabolism like a free diver and focus on shunting blood to vital organs. I stopped staring and the, let's face it, fantastic hiney in Yoga pants next to me only to start debating with myself about how those precious pants have become abused by society. I thought of the "no-ass 'cept an asymmetric crease" ladies I see all too often in the same pants. I was staring again. I was helpless. There were 8 of us and I couldn't get up and walk out. I tried to hide it. I deftly tucked it into the waistband of my shorts as we turned. I have never been caught with an NRB in my life and I would be damned if this were the moment. The instructor must have known and decided that a groin stretch pretzel pose (the real name, of course) was exactly what we needed. The boner was freed from the shackles of my waistband and everyone may as well have camped in the tent I was pitching. I tried to stare straight ahead but like a paranoid chameleon I saw my NRB with my left eye and then you, fantastic hiney, with my right. You saw it. I saw you see it. Most embarassing moment of my life.

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