Skyfall: In Which 007 Is Turned Into Batman

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And not just any Batman, either, but a very specific one: Bruce Wayne from The Dark Knight Rises. Spoilery details after the jump, where you should go if you're one of the 14 billion people who saw Skyfall this weekend.

OKAY. So. I really dug Skyfall, possibly more than any other James Bond movie (I know, I thought it was THAT GOOD), but a few hours after seeing it it occurred to me how similar it was to The Dark Knight Rises—especially when it comes to both Bond's backstory and Bond's mentality of "I'm getting to old for this shit oh wait did I say that out loud because I meant the exact opposite." Here are some bullet points, because if Bond has ever truly loved one thing, it's bullets:

• People never shutting up about how old and outdated Bond is
• People never shutting up about how ill-equipped Bond is to fight his latest ruthless foe
• Bond spending the first chunk of the movie out of commission, hiding away and being slightly creepy and feeling sorry for himself
• Bond working himself back into shape and magically healing his significant physical injuries with nothing more than sheer willpower and the power of positive thinking
• Dead parents! Whose deaths changed Bond forever! (I know this is from Ian Fleming's books. Still.)
• Backstory! Turns out Bond, like Batman, doesn't need to do what he does. He's just a filthy rich asshole/sociopath who really enjoys beating up and/or murdering socioeconomically disadvantaged criminals
• Grudgingly teaming up with a young whippersnapper who's played by a pint-sized heartthrob
• Loveable, loyal, ancient butler gamekeeper who's actually pretty tough in a pinch and apparently has nothing better to do than sit in a moldy family mansion while the brat he raised from birth goes off and has sex adventures (that said, pretty sure Kincade and M totally did it in the chapel before Bond and Anton Chigurh showed up)
• A secret cave hidden underneath the moldy Bond mansion. Bondcave!
• Surprise! Bond's got secret machine guns in his Bondmobile! (Okay, secret machine guns were probably Bond's—or at least Q's—idea first. Mercury 007 Editor Ned Lannamann reminds me that "the tricked-out Aston Martin is straight out of Goldfinger," which came out in '64. I don't know when Batman had his installed)
• Both Bond and Batman are possibly/probably gay, or at least have slept with other dudes. Granted, Bond makes this a little more explicit in Skyfall than DC Comics will ever let Bruce Wayne make it, but yeah. Bonin' dudes

I've probably missed some. I guess what I'm getting at is if Christian Bale laughs and laughs and laughs when Warner Bros. asks him to be in the Justice League movie, they should probably give Daniel Craig a call.

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