The Portland Trail Blazers Sign Kurt Thomas

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Barring his holiness David Stern vetoing the trade for "basketball reasons," the Blazers have inked a deal with veteran big man Kurt Thomas to a two year deal. The only athlete that can make Marcus Camby look spry, the 39-year-old Thomas is the oldest player in the NBA, closer in age to head coach Nate McMillan than he is to his new teammate LaMarcus Aldridge. Thomas has played for eight previous teams—including something called the "Seattle Supersonics," which we all know is fake—and he underwent a second (or third, or fourth) coming last season with the Chicago Bulls where he started 37 games and filled in quite nicely for Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer.

Known for his defensive toughness and enforcer mentality—sadly, this seems to have extended to his off the court behavior as well—Thomas will be a welcome source of relief off the bench, plus he just might toughen up a Blazers team that so often is bullied in the paint. Don't believe me? Watch this totally '90s clip of "Big Daddy" tossing Dennis Rodman to the hardwood. You know you are feared in the NBA when the player who choked his coach calls you a "bruiser."

If the Blazers also sign lovable thug Joel Pryzbilla, they'll turn their bench into a the basketball equivalent of a Charles Bronson movie ("No judge, no jury, no appeals, no deals!").

Oh, who am I kidding? Thomas will go down with a debilitating knee injury by the time I finish typing this sentence...

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