The Walking Dead (and Girls) Chitty-Chat Club!

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Think it's weird for me to recap The Walking Dead and Girls as if they're the same show? WELL, THEY ARE THE SAME SHOW. Join me after the jump for this week's spoilery recaps, and chime in with your own Walking Girls comments!

People may despise me... but at least I aint Jessa.
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "People may despise me... but at least I ain't Jessa."

So here's what I'm thinking:

1) At the now zombie infested pokey, everybody is PISSED at Rick for chasing off after Lori's ghost when he should've been psychically reading the mind of the Guv'nah and preventing the attack on the prison! (Yeah, Rick! Learn to read minds, asshole!) Even Carl tells Rick he should step down—and promises management he will do a better job AND work for less money. Goddamn interns! Always trying to steal our jobs!

2) Meanwhile, over in Girls land, Hannah accompanies the most despicable character on TV (Jessa) to her parents' place in remote upstate New York. (You know... Farmer McDrunky complains about his missing leg all the time, but Hannah has a UTI—so just LAY OFF.)

3) Meanwhile in the now-not-so-cozy confines of the Woodbury Liberal Arts College, Blondie McGunnerson is convinced that she can sneak off to the prison, sing "Kumbayah" and everybody will be friends again. Oh, sweet Jesus, she is stupid. The Guv'nah tells Toady McAssistant to accompany her—but they run into Tyrese (AKA the next black person the show will kill off) and his gang, who decide to movie in and take up arms with the arthritic and asthmatic Woodburyians to murder any future interlopers (AKA RIck's Rangers). RAHHHHH!!

4) So Jessa's father is a flakey limey hippie dick—which is kind of the worst combination, don't you think? However, he's currently shacking up with the best-named stepmother ever "Petula" (played to hippie perfection by Rosanna Arquette). Hippie dad reminds Jessa that they "are not like other people" and for once, he's right. They are both spoiled rotten hippie dicks and I hate them, especially Jessa!!!

5) Meanwhile back at the prison, Blondie McGunnerson arrives and because she is terrible, no one is especially happy about her arrival. She gets caught up on the latest news and then shamed by Michonne because she's such a Guv'nah brown-noser. Blondie is given the advice to return to Woodbury, make sexy time with the Guv'nah, and SLIT HIS THROAT. Oh, and poke out his other eye, too—so they'll match.

6) Meanwhile back in spoiled rotten hippie land, Jessa gets her stupid itty-bitty feelings hurt when her dad would rather attend a lecture than spend time with her. (So would I! And you know how I feel about lectures!) So off she runs with Hannah, stepson "Camel Toe" Frank, and some other whippet snorting dude. After a terrifying car ride, Hannah jumps out and has awkward 8-second semi-sex with Camel Toe—which would not have helped her UTI (good thing he came inside her "thigh crease")—and of course Jessa judges her for that because she's the WORST!

7) Meanwhile back in Woodbury, Blondie McGunnerson successfully completes half of her assignment (boning the Guv'nah) but flakes out when it comes to the stabbity-stab-stab portion of the job, because you can't ask Blondie to do anything without fucking it up, and she's the WORST!

8) Meanwhile back in UTI land, Jessa boo-hoos to daddy that HE'S supposed to be the reliable one because she's the CHILD! (God, I hate her so much. Even when she's right.) So she takes off, leaving poor Hannah and her UTI behind. (Again, because she's the WORST.)

9) A fairly boring and terrible episode of Dead (in my opinion), and the sooner someone kills off Blondie, the happier I'll be. Girls was fun and thoughtful as usual—and for an episode about Jessa? NOT TOO BAD. The episode was certainly assisted by such great Hannah quips such as, "Whippets are what killed Demi Moore." HAAA!! Nice. WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK?

Preparing for the UTI apocalypse.

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