This Modern Life

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Okay, first: people who write advice columns have all the answers, right?

NO. That's the Big Lie we work hard to sustain—me, Prudie, Carolyn, Sugar, all of us—but it's a scam! Wake up, sheeple! This advice column gig is a racket. We're a bunch of frauds. We appear to have all the answers because we don't print questions we don't have answers for. Sa-wish! Curtain pulled back! But when an advice columnist is taking questions from a live audience—like I did at a recent "Savage Love Live" event at the University of Wisconsin at Madison (bonus Qs from UW event in this week's "Savage Love")—that columnist could be confronted with a question he can't answer. Like this one:

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"Is it safe to use baby oil as a lube for vaginal intercourse?"

I had to admit to the crowd that I didn't know the answer to that question. Then I paused to blast off a text to someone who would have the answer: Debby Herbenick, co-author of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva, full-blown author of other fine books, and my go-to guest expert for lady part questions.

I answered another question while I waited for Debby to respond—a question about demons flying out of freshly fucked butts, a question I could answer in my freshly-fucked sleep—and then I read Debby's response after she texted me back.

Then, because I'm a polite fraud, thank you very much, I asked the audience to thank Debby, videotaped the audience's saying "thank you" with the same pocket computer I used to text Debby, and then used that same pocket computer to text our videotaped thank-you note to Debby:

OH BRAVE NEW WORLD THAT HAS SUCH TELEPHONES IN IT!

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