To the Pearl District girls in sunglasses

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Yes, you're beautiful. Yes, you rock oversized sunglasses. And yes, when the sun is bright I can see your eyes through those massive lenses and can see how, though your head is looking straight forward, your eyes are doing this really awkward sideways glance directly at me as you pass. What the hell is that? It's so god damn strange to see.

I first noticed it happening a couple times at the tail end of last summer yet thought nothing of it, but now that the sun is out again in full force it happened twice last weekend and three times today. I can only assume you think your shades are more opaque than they really are and that your eyes can freely dart around without anyone noticing but you're wrong, and it's super creepy looking because I'm actually kinda fat and you're probably looking at me in horror.

I was sitting on a bench outside of West Elm today and as you walked by sipping your Starbucks milkshake dessert thingy, your head aimed straight forward, I watched as your eyes veered right toward me and stayed locked on me the entire time you passed, head still straight forward. All I could think was a) that is too fucking bizarre and b) that must REALLY strain your eyes.

I suggest if you insist on this behavior you invest in some darker shades, or save your money for new gear at Anthropologie and just gawk at me directly. And if you're actually enticed by the lump of fat and woe you're looking at, just take off the shades and say hello. Thanks.

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