Weird Beards. Right.

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There was a time, not long ago, when Portland was indeed weird. I'm talking about 10-15 years ago, and that was Portland's last gasp... as far as weirdness goes. It's not weird anymore, I'm sorry to tell all of you people. If you have to tell people you're weird, you ain't weird. If you have to have a bumper sticker expressing to the world that you'd like to "keep it weird"... yeah, not weird. Perhaps if you put that sticker upside down, now THAT'D be weird. (kidding, you idiots) So, when I saw your car parked in front of my bar, night after night and I knew who you were, I just had to do it. You're an idiot. You're average. You're pathetic. I drank too much that, yes. That happens often, it's true. When I saw your car window left open just a bit one evening this past summer, I fucking blew my chunks into your front seat. To top it off, my girlfriend and I had the best sex ever that night, after brushing my teeth (of course) and taking a gram of ecstasy. It was MY kind of night... maybe weird, I don't know. You fucking poser.

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