Columns » Dating Tips for Horny Boys

Dating Tips for Horny Boys

Booty Call Goes Bust

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The story so far: Girl is horny. Girl holds contest. Girl meets boy.

Not only do I possess ravishing beauty, scintillating wit, and several moist orifices, I am also prone to random premonitions and all that other goofy psychic stuff! It's true! Before I even opened his entry, I knew that Mr. Raymond Brigleb was the winner of the "Win a Date with Marie" contest. Damn those LaToya Jackson brainwaves! They ruin all the suspense! Still, I quickly tore the seal and laid eyes on my next venture Oh Raymond! Your squinty eyes and undersized body! How I immediately longed to be next to it!

I called Raymond and he agreed to meet without hesitation. Sounds like I've got a sexy voice too! Ha! I told you I was hot. Moving on, we met at a small bar, survived initial contact, and easily engaged in stimulating conversation. Then we were off like a prom dress! Next stop: un dinner Italiano! Ok, it was The Olive Garden. But what fun we had! Only one place left to go: The Den of Iniquity, AKA my apartment!

Here we watched fine WB programming and romped in an oh-so-holy manner on my bed, just smooching and spooning and all those sorts of nice things. How refreshing to go out with someone who wasn't attempting the two-headed monster on the first date! I tell you, that Raymond is a regular bottle of Scope! And even though he is one of those Cat People, he allowed my little dog to lick him with abandon. He left me the next afternoon with both his home and work numbers, not to mention the lip-to-lip contact. Just call me enamored. And then totally confused.

Nearly a whopping week later he finally called to tell me that he "wanted to be alone for awhile and play music." Oh. Ahem. I see. Never mind that I am young and pretty! Never mind my astounding brilliance and luscious ass! Never mind that he is short, sports a receding hairline, and is far older than I! Still, I liked that boy. There is this quote from Albert Schweitzer that goes, "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." But Raymond, don't forget about the girl.

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