Columns » Dating Tips for Horny Boys

Dating Tips for Horny Boys

M.I.A.

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I'm not sure if I'm supposed to use this column as a personal dating service, but let's see if I can't squeak this one by my editor. There's a couple of boys from escapades past that I would like to see again. But, I really have no way of finding them.

You see, I was driving up West Burnside recently and I think I may have seen my old fuck friend Sasha. For all I knew he had gone back to Serbia, but there may be hope yet! Oh, I hope he's still in Portland. About three years ago I was in Music Millennium and I saw him: Tall, handsome, deliciously disheveled. I looked at him and said, "I love you." And he said, "I love you too." In a really nice, thick accent. Just makes you all moist, doesn't it? And he pulled out a big camera and took a picture of me! A couple of weeks later we wound up at the same party, where he greeted me with an Oscar-worthy kiss. Ooh la la! We saw each other on a sporadic, passionate basis.

One of the last times I saw Sasha, he showed up at my old apartment with a bag of meth. Now, for those of you that haven't flirted with the white trash lifestyle, crystal meth makes you stay up for like, ever, and people tend to get really chatty on it. That and food becomes very unappealing. What do all of these factors add up to? Really bad breath. I mean, after talking for 12 hours straight with nothing to break up that yucky tongue coating, things start to stink. God, it's embarrassing. So one of my last memories with this fabulous boy is being high as a kite and smelling like my seventh grade science teacher. So! Here's a shout out to Sasha! I miss you! Let's snort drugs and make out! I'll stock up on Altoids this time!

The other young man I've been pining for is my high school sweetheart, Ryan. Yes, we ripped each other's hearts out pretty badly, but can't we all be civil adults now and just catch up on old times? I called his mom's house about a year ago to see if I couldn't track him down, and she yelled at me! The woman hates me. Yes, Ryan and I may have had offensive nicknames for her, but I was a good girl! She thinks I'm this crazy, big-boobed seductress who ruined her son's life. Please. Message to Ryan: Forget what Beefart says! Come on, let's be friends!

Sasha and Ryan: reach me via snail/e-mail c/o Portland Mercury. I'm looking better than ever!

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