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Dear First-Grade Baby

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Grade school is a lot more tougher than kindergarten. First of all it is twice as long and it is not about singing stupid songs and playing with blocks anymore. You grow up fast, see? You learn about presidents and how to write cursive and about weird-looking people like the Chinese. No more kiddy baby pee-your-pants kindergartener stuff. At first the day will seem like it's taking longer than your mom takes when she takes you to the grocery store and makes you ride around in the cart while she takes FOREVER picking out hair dye and you just want to smash, smash, smash things because it's sooooooooo boring—but after a while you get used to staying the whole day and lunch recess is the best because it's longer than morning recess.

Bring a sack lunch on wiener-wrap day, unless you like the taste of rolled-up diarrhea.

You can't get away with stuff that you got away with in kindergarten, okay? So no crying because you miss your lesbian mommy and gay daddy or because some kid took your baby LEGOs, you poo-poo pants BABY. The playground is a rough place and if you want to get to the server spot in four square, then stop crying for it and start WORKING for it. Don't expect it to happen overnight. And if you see me around the halls do NOT say hi to me. I'll give you something to cry about.

The Smartest Fourth Grader in the World


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