Columns » I, Anonymous

I, Anonymous

Studly

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To the douches still driving with studded tires: You lazy, feckless pieces of shit. You went to Les Schwab and got studs, not caring that snow tires work better—they don't tear up the roads as badly—or about the fact that it rarely snows here in the first fucking place. In fact, during our recent once-every-four-years snowstorm, you just stayed home and went sledding in your neighborhood park anyway. What's that, you "need them for the mountain"? Why don't you just learn how to fucking drive, or just get a Subaru like everyone else. The sound your studs make is a great way to let those around you know how worthless you are as you pass, though. Every time I hear you go by, I wish I could make your car burst into flames with the power of my mind. But I guess that would damage the roads, and that would certainly be a douchey thing to do.—Anonymous

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