Columns » I, Anonymous

I, Anonymous

Town Crier

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Brad, get off the heroin! I say that on behalf of the entire block, and on behalf of your girlfriend, who was screaming at you on her cell phone while sitting on her front stoop at 6:45 am this morning. She's screaming at you, Brad, and you won't take this seriously. Brad, don't you realize what she's "done for you"? You're "not even listening" to her. We're all listening to her now, Brad. We have to listen. She's screaming at the top of her lungs, Brad. "Why the fuck did you do it?" Why, Brad? She is "so angry right now!" She's waking up the entire street for you, Brad, and you don't even "get it"! She can't believe you're laughing! The neighborhood's not laughing. We're all concerned about your drug problem now. We have to be. I don't think the neighborhood can believe you would do this to her. Now think about it, Brad. Let's take a step back. I have to tell you—your girlfriend is hot. She's so together. If you don't change your ways, I think the neighborhood will make a move and steal her away from you. But that's just between you and me, and the neighborhood she woke up at 6:45 am.—Anonymous

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