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I, Anonymous

To Have and to Hold

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Why the fuck am I buying you a wedding present? You're in your mid 30s—if you don't have a blender, or a throw rug, or a set of 12 porcelain teacups, that is not my problem. In the old days, when poor 20-year-olds married each other, it made sense to help start out their lives with a free roster of kitchen essentials, bedroom basics, and dining flatware. But you have two incomes, stable careers, and you have even purchased your own home! And don't think I haven't bemoaned this outdated tradition directly to soon-to-be-married couples. I lean over with my drink in hand, and I begin, "I just can't believe what weddings have turned into! All these traditions we have to endure, right? And just imagine, I'm supposed to buy people with two cars and a couple Master's degrees between them an Iittala vase!" They nod, they agree, and invariably they send me a wedding invite with a list of registry demands. I'm happy and honored to celebrate the union of two loving individuals. But do I need to buy you shit you don't need and I likely can't afford? (Don't tell me it's quid pro quo because they're giving me free drinks and food at the reception. I earned that when I went to the wedding shower, with ANOTHER GODDAMNED GIFT IN HAND!)—Anonymous

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