Columns » I, Anonymous

I, Anonymous

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Gangster's Paradise

To everysmooth-talkin' hustler,thug-raping convict, and ice-dealinggangbangerwhomystically surfaced from the sludge of the grimy Willamette Riverinto this wonderful port of sex, money, and murder (and "Meth Watch"):I don't care what stinky fucking concrete city in the US, Canada, Mexico, or other stank-ass cesspoolyoucame limping infrom--you know you love it here.This is Portland, voted by me asthe world'sundisputed gangster's paradise for too many obvious reasons.Whether you're some punk-ass Crip who came up here from Hoover or a bearded closet homo mummified in stupid leather on a chopper, Portland's the only place in Bushwhacked America wherethe criminally insanecan really flourish. You tell me: In what other city can youjack a sporty ride, spend your dirty drug money on heady microbrews,and topit alloff with ahot, steamy table dance?Additionally, where elsecan onesoeasilymuga littleeco-evangelicaltrust fundkidin front ofa food co-op, and then take a pleasant drive up the Gorge, wheredouble rainbows arch and trilliums bloom? Are we on the same page yet?Admit it, this is the most wild, organic, and floral ghetto that you ever did see.Relish the PDX royalties,or go the fuck back home, punks!--Anonymous

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