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I, Anonymous

Keep Portland Predictable

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Tall bike? Check. Standard-issue obnoxious tall bike-riding outfit? Check. Blaring music? Check. Dildo strapped to your forehead? Check. Have we all seen it before? Of course. I will be the first to acknowledge that full-time attention whoring must indeed be quite the chore. It must be nigh on impossible to catch the eye of the seen-it-all-before denizens of Portland nowadays. But you "weirdos" just seem to keep phoning it in, as if you expect your tired shtick to still have the same draw it used to—if it ever did, that is. While I may not have any specific suggestions on upping your game, I plead with you to rise to the challenge in some way. If I see one more guy on a tall bike all bummed out because no one will even gaze in his general direction anymore I'm going to have to start some sort of support group for these miserable failures.—Anonymous

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