Columns » I, Anonymous

I, Anonymous

Touchy Feely

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Hey, male acquaintances: I know we've met each other like four times in the past three months, and it's been fun having small talk and barely getting to know one another, but I have a favor to ask you, bro: Stop fucking hugging me! You see dude, I don't really know you, and half the time I forget your name. I know you work somewhere, and you date a friend of mine's friend, so we see each other at shows or parties occasionally, and that usually involves a couple of beers. But you don't need to come up to me and hug me like I'm your best friend you haven't seen in six months. I'm not your fuckin' auntie at the family reunion. I'm just some guy you see at a bar every once in a while. I don't seek out your company, and you don't seek out mine. You probably get gas at the same place a few times a month, and see the same guy pumping it. But if you hugged him every time you got $10 in unleaded, he'd probably punch you in your face. Look, we're basically strangers, and this isn't Montessori school. We're both adult males, so a handshake is all that's required. So please, no more fucking hugging!—Anonymous

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