Ahem! Excuse me! I'd like to be acknowledged, please! I would like to be acknowledged for being the first TV critic to predict that MTV's The Osbournes was going to be a big hit! As you know, I don't normally toot my own horn--especially when I'm busy tooting other people's horns (that is a dirty joke, and I apologize). However! I find it infuriating that I was the first to predict the show's potential, and now Ozzy Osbourne and his family of spazzes are on the freaking cover of every magazine in the world! And what's especially infuriating is that my predictions are usually dead wrong (remember my Greg the Bunny column? OUCH!), but this one was RIGHT, and not a goddam single person noticed! So I would like to be acknowledged, PLEASE!!
Ahhhh. Thanks. That's better. Oh, and while we're in the acknowledging mood, let's also acknowledge me for predicting that The Osbournes would be a big hit, and that MTV would figure out some way to fawk it up. See, the problem with MTV is it never leaves well enough alone. For example: The Real World. Now, that was a good idea for a show--for the first 47 seasons!! But then there was Road Rules, and Real World Reunions, and Real World/Road Rules competitions, and now I just want to grab my TV and shake it, and shake it, until it finally stops breathing and gives me just ONE GODDAM MOMENT OF PEACE!!
Or, take for example, the unending variations on MTV's Spring Break. First, they show normal concerts by the pool. Then they have boys and girls licking whipped cream off each other by the pool. Then they make documentaries that revolve around kids getting drunk and making out by the pool. Why don't they just cut to the freaking chase and pay teenagers to have sex by the motherfreaking POOL?!?
Anyway, I've made my point. Back to Ozzy. So the minute The Osbournes became a success, MTV began wracking its minuscule brain in an attempt to figure out some way of fucking it up. The first bad idea was bringing the show back for a second season. While I admit Ozzy is hee-larious, the reason why he's hee-larious is because he doesn't know he's being hee-larious. Now he knows--and therefore can never be hee-larious again.
The second bad idea is the WORST bad idea in the history of horribly bad ideas: doing an entirely new show based around an entirely new celebrity--that celebrity being Sean "P. Diddy" Combs. According to the Associated Press, Monsieur Diddy is close to signing a deal with MTV to star in a show that would "focus on his professional life." In other words, we would watch him sit on his ass all day doing nothing behind a desk?? Jesus Christ, maybe I'll just buy a mirror instead!!
So just to be clear, even though P. Diddy hasn't even signed a deal yet, I'm predicting his show will be a dismal FAILURE. And why would I wish failure upon another human being? Because that's just the way I am! AND I'D LIKE TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED FOR THAT!!