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I Love Television

But Here's the Twist!

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Longtime readers of this column have come to realize I am incredibly intuitive when it comes to predicting television trends. FOR EXAMPLE! It was I who predicted well over a year ago that in order to keep the reality show genre alive, producers would need to cram their shows with numerous plot "twists" in order to maintain viewer interest. To illustrate my point, I came up with my own show called Millionaire Gloryhole. In this reality program, millionaires would compete for the opportunity to stick their willies through a hole in the wall--which would then be orally gratified by an attractive member of the opposite sex. BUT HERE'S THE TWIST! After the millionaire was sufficiently fellated, they'd remove the wall and reveal that it wasn't a pretty lady doing the gratifying at allÉ it was an ugly DONKEY!! Heeee-Haw! Heeee-Haw!

HA! HA! HAWWWWWW! Is that the greatest idea for a show you've ever heard? (Inexplicably, I have yet to receive one call of interest from the networks.)

Anyway, my point is that this "twist" thing was all my idea. And now, you can't swing a dead hog without hitting a twisty-turny reality show! There's Joe Millionaire, The Joe Schmo Show, Average JoeÉ and now there's a brand-new twisty show debuting this week (which happily doesn't have the name "Joe" in the title) called My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé (Fox, Mon Jan 19, 9 pm).

Now this show has so many freaking twists I can barely keep up with it myself, so bear with me as I describe the plot: Randi is a hot 'n' saucy 23-year-old school teacher whose upcoming wedding will be planned and executed on national TV (kind of like those dopes on Trista & Ryan's Wedding). BUT HERE'S TWIST #1. Randi's family has never even met the groom, and this is the first they've heard about her impending nuptials. Got that? Good, because HERE'S TWIST #2!

It turns out that Randi's fiancé, Steve, is big, fat, and obnoxious (hence the title), and is doing everything he can to wreck the marriage because (AND HERE COMES TWIST #3) it's all a big gag and the couple never intended to get married in the first place! In fact, if Randi goes through with the entire charade-- including the exchange of vows--and her family buys it, the bride will win a million dollars. Pretty twisty, huh? I'm glad you think so, because now I'd like to introduce TWIST #4!

It seems that Randi is under the impression that Steve is in the same boat she is; he's just a normal guy trying to make his family look like assholes on national TV for a cash prize. However! It turns out that Steve and his entire family are actually improvisational actors whose job is to make the lives of Randi and her beleaguered family a torturous, living hell! AND AS FOR TWIST #5? WellÉ there is no TWIST #5. As far as we know!

But I wouldn't be a bit surprised if, at the end of the show, in an incredible final twist, Randi pulls off her lifelike rubber mask to reveal herself asÉ the DONKEY from Millionaire Gloryhole!

Heee-Haw! Who wants a blowjob?

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