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I Love Television

Humiliation, Yay!

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Nothing, and I mean NOTHING spells hilarity like a good dose of humiliation--especially when it happens to someone other than me! Like, this one time? I was working as a department store bra fitter--which should be a dream job, right? Except my boss was French and a total gasbag! He was always, "No, no, noooo, Meester Humpy… do this" or "No, no, noooo, Meester Humpy… do that." What a freaking drag! But then one day when he was all up in my grill, he suddenly grabbed his stomach and started yelling, "Sacré bleu! My tummy! Eet ees going to explode!" And just like that, BOOM! He crapped his pants! HAW! HAW! HAWWWW!!! Wotta riot!

Unfortunately, he died later that day of a ruptured appendix--but that doesn't make his pre-death humiliation any less heeee-larious!

But humiliation is not a big deal like it used to be (unless you're dying from appendicitis). Nowadays, people are actually lining up to be embarrassed on reality TV shows--and this week, there are three new series specifically designed to humiliate the shit out of their characters. (Which will be especially funny if any crapped pants are involved.) Check it out!

Hit Me Baby One More Time (NBC, Thurs, June 2, 9 pm). While the name alone is humiliating enough, Hit Me Baby places washed-up pop stars in the embarrassing position of begging for their lost popularity. Former hit makers like this week's guests, A Flock of Seagulls, Arrested Development, Loverboy, and Tiffany perform one of their songs from the olden days--followed by a current radio hit! (Tiffany singing a song by Usher? OMG!!) Even worse, a callous and unthinking audience will then be asked to judge the worth of the has-beens and decide who gets another shot at stardom. The only thing that could make this show better is if the former stars were pelted with eggs and garbage. (Sigh… why can't my dreams become a reality?)

The Scholar (ABC, Mon, June 6, 8 pm). While this could be interpreted as ABC's attempt to bring morals back to reality programming, in actuality it's just another way to make fun of nerds! Fifteen geeky high schoolers compete in academics, leadership, and community service in order to win a full scholarship to a top university. BOOOORING! Where are the Revenge of the Nerds-style competitions, like sorority house panty raids, keg stands, and talent shows (where the nerds can perform in a makeshift '80s new wave band)? You suck, ABC! And nerds suck, too!

Fire Me, Please (CBS, Tues, June 7, 9 pm). Sure, crapping your pants and suddenly dying of internal injuries can be embarrassing--but getting fired is even worse! However, in this new reality show, getting fired is the entire point. Two contestants are given new jobs at unwitting companies, with one goal in mind: getting fired before 3:00 pm. Using backtalk, outrageous behavior, and general dumbness, the contestants must annoy their employers into giving them the shit-can on their first day of work--and if they do it before mid-afternoon, they win $25,000! Embarrassing? Of course! But take it from me: It sure beats filing a sexual harassment suit!

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