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I Love Television™

Emmys... of the FUTURE!

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Guys! The Emmy Awards are this week (ABC, Sun Sept 23, 8 pm)! But who has the time, am I right? I am one busy super cool horny dude, which is why I don't watch the Emmys—I just predict the Emmys and thereafter accept my predictions as FACT. For example, the winners of this year's Emmy Awards are as follows: Mad Men, Girls, American Horror Story, Louis C.K., Tina Fey, Bryan Cranston, Giancarlo Esposito, Benedict Cumberbatch, Betty White, and the guy who makes the drippy skin sores for The Walking Dead. Done, done, and DONE.

HOWEVER! The question still remains about who will win the 2013 Emmy Awards! Luckily for you, I can make similar insanely random predictions for next year's ceremony, that are close to 100 percent accurate*. And interestingly enough, some of the new shows that are debuting this week are going to be Emmy winners in 2013 (again, according to Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, "the most accurate Emmy prognosticator in the world"†). Check 'em out!

Partners (CBS, Mon Sept 24, 8:30 pm). The winner of the 2013 Emmy for "Most Blatantly Cynical Attempt to Win a GLAAD Award," Partners is a buddy comedy about two business partners (one straight, one gay) who make terrible jokes in front of a laugh-track machine, while marveling about how "alike" they are. It will also win the Emmy for "Best Show Involving a Gay Person That My Grandparents Just Might Accept Because It's on the Same Network That Aired Murder, She Wrote."

Ben and Kate (Fox, Tues Sept 25, 8:30 pm). And this one wins the coveted Emmy for "Best Actually Pretty Funny Sitcom with No Bullshit Laugh Track, About a Stuck-Up Sister and Her Layabout Slacker Brother Who Reconnect and Learn to Be Better People and May or May Not Make Me Cry a Little." Why are you looking at me? There's something in my eye. STOP LOOKING AT ME!!

The Mindy Project (Fox, Tues Sept 25, 9:30 pm). Created by and starring The Office's Mindy Kaling, this show is probably the funniest sitcom you'll see all year featuring a clumsy gynecologist. And while it will sadly not win an Emmy, it will receive the National Vaginal Exploration Association's coveted Golden Speculum Award.

Vegas (CBS, Tues Sept 25, 10 pm). No, it's not a reboot of 1978's awesome Vega$, or the terrible 2003-2008 Las Vegas, but rather a new series, starring Michael Chiklis (The Shield) and Dennis Quaid (Breaking Away), about a mobster and a hillbilly howdy-do cowboy sheriff duking it out in 1960s Las Vegas. It will win the 2013 Emmy for "Best Drama," and—wait. This just in... sorry. Mad Men is gonna win that. Again.

The Neighbors (ABC, Wed Sept 26, 9:30 pm). A family moves into a gated community—and guess what? The neighbors are human-looking extraterrestrials who name their kids after sports stars, dress identically, and cry green goo out of their ears. Oh, and it's supposed to be a "sitcom." You know... maybe my predictive powers are on the fritz, but I don't think they give Emmys for things like this.

* Plus or minus 100 percent.

† Not necessarily factually correct.

This Week on Television

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Season premiere! Two new office workers arrive, and... they're just like Jim and Dwight?!? UGGGH!

9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Season premiere! Leslie and Andy visit Ben and April and Senator John McCain (?!) in Washington, DC.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

10:00 TLC SECRET PRINCES

Debut! Four actual princes look for mates in Atlanta to take back with them to their home countries. CREEPY.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO

Millions of black cubes suddenly start falling from the sky... but I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Musical guests: Mumford & Sons. Host: The increasingly dreamy Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

8:00 ABC THE EMMY AWARDS

Hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, whom I predict will be funny. (Man, I am so good at this!)

10:00 HBO TREME

Season premiere! The neighborhood is PISSED at a violent cop's response to a funeral procession.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere! It's an "all-star" (HAAAAA!!) edition featuring Kirstie Alley, Drew Lachey, and that nobody Bristol Palin.

8:00 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

Season premiere! Will wedding bells for Barney and Robin turn into wedding smells? (Sorry about that.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25

8:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Season premiere! The triumphant return of the best sitcom on TV that you inexplicably don't like.

9:30 FOX THE MINDY PROJECT

Debut! OB/GYN Mindy has quite a mess on her hands. (Not that kind of mess! A personal mess! Jeez, you people.)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY

Season premiere! Jay celebrates another birthday in which he wants to be left alone, and surely won't be.

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