Before we address the topic that you're probably a goddamn liar, let's make quick mention of three shows you should watch this week:
(1) The Wire series finale (HBO, Sun March 9, 9 pm). This show is kind of like Battlestar Galactica for normal people—except The Wire will never be as good as BSG because it doesn't employ robots with guns. Sorry, but it's true.
(2) Canterbury's Law (Fox, Mon March 10, 8 pm). This new series stars Julianna Margulies (the one who used to bone George Clooney on ER) as a "rebellious defense attorney" who takes on unpopular cases no one else will touch! That's good news, because I have a stubborn case of herpes that no one has touched for years. (I'm joking. No, I'm not.)
(3) Lewis Black's Root of All Evil (COM, Wed March 12, 10:30 pm). Comedian Lewis Black (the yelly one from The Daily Show) is the judge in this fake courtroom, wherein two subjects are put on trial to see which is more evil. This week it's The Catholic Church v. Oprah. I dunno... I think I'm going with Oprah as the evil one, because she's responsible for introducing us to Dr. Phil—and there's no forgiving her for that.
OKAY. With those formalities out of the way, let's get to the real point of this column, which is that you're a goddamn liar. Or at least that's what Fox's The Moment of Truth (now on Wed 8 pm) would have us believe. For those of you who haven't caught this bizarre and cruelly hilarious show, contestants are given a lie-detector test and asked a series of VERY personal questions. If they answer 21 questions truthfully, they make money—all the way up to $500,000. If they lie, they go home empty-handed... and by empty-handed, I mean without any money, and most likely without any spouse or friends.
Apparently this show has already ruined at least one marriage after a female contestant admitted she would rather be married to a man other than her husband, and had sexual relations outside of marriage. (It's unclear whether she prescribes to the adage "Eatin' Ain't Cheatin'.") And while ruining marriages and familial relationships always makes for a good time (especially during Thanksgiving dinner), what these people don't realize is that THIS SHOW COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER!
The first thing one should always ask when improving a show is this: "What would the Japanese do?" Well, I'll tell you what the Japanese would do! First of all, they'd make the contestant dress up like a chicken or a pancake. DON'T ASK WHY! THEY'RE JAPANESE! Next, they would have girls in bikinis climb a greased pole while asking the contestant (in front of his wife), "Does this arouse your genitalia?" And then finally, when the contestant lies—and OH, he will lie—a giant catapult would throw him 100 feet into the air, into a swimming pool filled with Gummi Bears and used motor oil. Oh, and they'd call the show, "YOU'RE A GODDAMN LIAR!" (BTW, next week I'm moving to Japan to host this show—and that's no lie.)
Do I look like I'm lying? firstname.lastname@example.org