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I Love Television™

It's No Sharknado!

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Look. Somebody needs to tell the Discovery Channel's Shark Week (returning Sun Aug 4) that they are no Sharknado. Yes, I'm sure it burns their wrinkly bits that Syfy's insanely popular TV movie—about a tornado that scoops up hungry sharks and dumps them right in the middle of fat, juicy Los Angeles—is stealing Shark Week's thunder... but C'MON! There is absolutely no way that an actual documentary about actual scientifically realistic sharks can beat a "Sharknado," because.... it's SHARKS. Eating the ass out of people from inside a TORNADO.

However, it looks like Discovery Channel is going to give it the old college try by debuting 11 new sharktacular specials this coming week—ones they hope will give Sharknado a run for its shark money! (Yeah, yeah, I know... sharks don't use money. BLOOD IS THEIR CURRENCY.) Anyway, check out these new Shark Week specials:

Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives (debuts Sun Aug 4, 9 pm). Mmmmm, okay, that's a pretty good title for a shark documentary that doesn't involve tornadoes. BUT! Even though this is about the controversial theory of a 60-foot prehistoric Megalodon shark responsible for a murder spree off the coast of South Africa? Sadly, it's no Sharknado. Maybe they can add a typhoon? And call it Megalophoon?

Return of Jaws (debuts Mon Aug 5, 9 pm), I Escaped Jaws (debuts Tues Aug 6, 9 pm), and Spawn of Jaws (debuts Tues Aug 6, 10 pm). "Rinnng! Rinnng! Rinng! Hello? Return of Jaws, I Escaped Jaws, and Spawn of Jaws? It's me... ACTUAL JAWS. And even though you're trying to cast sharks as interesting creatures rather than thoughtless murder machines... I'm JAWS. And I'm a thoughtless murder machine. Soooo... maybe you can think of a different name to rip off? And don't say 'Jawsnado!' You'll each be hearing from my lawyer, dicks."

• Sharkpocalypse (debuts Thurs Aug 8, 9 pm). Apparently, fatal shark attacks have been on the rise, and this documentary explores the environmental changes that could be pushing hungry sharks closer to shore... which in turn could supposedly cause a "Sharkpocalypse"? Look, that's a pretty good name, but... what does "sharkpocalypse" even mean? Will Shark Jesus come out of the ocean to scoop up all the good sharks into shark heaven while the "Four Horsesharks of the Sharkpocalypse" terrorize the sinful sharks left behind? Sorry guys, because... IT'S STILL NO SHARKNADO. Next!

Alien Sharks of the Deep (debuts Thurs Aug 8, 10 pm). NOW WE'RE TALKING... wait. This is about scientists descending into the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean to look for the world's weirdest sharks—for example, the goblin shark and giant megamouth shark. But I was thinking it was going to be about scientists who descend into the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean and find SEXY ALIEN MOON DOLL SHARKS! Here's the breakdown: Attractive sharks with female genitalia have been hiding on the dark side of the moon for centuries. But now they're going extinct, so they must send down a squadron of sexy alien moon doll sharks to steal sperm from underwater scientists. Omigod, this is the best idea EVER! Get me Syfy on the phone! And while you're at it... Cinemax!

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

In a shocking turn of events, Marco violates police protocol. WHAAAAAA???

10:00 PBS NAZI MEGA WEAPONS

The most insidious weapons developed by the Third Reich... including, "Nazi Megasharknado!"

THURSDAY, AUGUST 1

10:00 FX WILFRED

Ryan undergoes psychotherapy. Why? Just because his best friend is a talking dog?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 2

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Season premiere! Male and female models compete against each other to see who can be the most dumbest!

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Tonight's special guest: David Cross, who may or may not say something weird. (He will.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3

9:00 DSC NAKED AND AFRAID

An "uncensored" clip fest featuring the best scenes from this nudie survival show. (Expect an equal amount of genital blurring.)

SUNDAY, AUGUST 4

9:00 AMC THE KILLING

Season finale! Sarah barely has time to recover from one murder, when another plops down at her feet.

11:00 DSC SHARK AFTER DARK LIVE

Debut! A special Shark Week show in which they talk about sharks and whether or not they can survive in tornadoes.

MONDAY, AUGUST 5

8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE

Season finale! Desiree must choose between two bachelors (either way settling for a lifetime of despair).

10:00 DSC VOODOO SHARK

What's it gonna do? Make a doll and stick a pin in it? Sharks in tornadoes, or GTFO.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 6

10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY

Tonight a drunken retelling of the Patty Hearst kidnapping. This is gonna be good.

10:00 TLC SEX, LIES, AND ZUMBA

The true story of a Zumba teacher turned prostitute who exposed 150 clients. I may never trust Zumba again!!

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