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I Love Television™

Judge Not!

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As my mom always used to nag, "Judge not, lest ye be judged!" Okay, fine. I'll judge myself—and THEN I'll judge the crap out of everyone else! Now that the fall season is underway, I'm gonna offer my very strict judgments on a few of the new shows... but first? I'm going to judge myself just as harshly. Let's begin.

Hmmm. Okay, at first glance... I'm awesome! Sure, I've got a receding hairline and a little extra junk in my ba-dunk-a-dunk... but who cares when I'm practically squirting raw sexuality. Seriously, wear a raincoat—unless you prefer to be covered in gooey, unbridled S-E-X (and, from experience, I know some of you do). But let's delve deeper, shall we? Let's peer into the darkest recesses of Wm.™ Steven Hump-me's psyche to find what's really buried beneath all that bravado.

Hmmm. Okay, still just a bunch of awesome! I'm not kidding—my soul is a delightful stew of cotton candy, Totino's Pizza Rolls, sex juice, and just a weeeee bit of bile... just to keep things interesting. So! What's my final, very objective self-judgment? It looks like I'm a walking two liter bottle of awesome sauce! Hooray! NOW. ON TO JUDGING OTHERS. In particular, some of the fall season's new shows!

Trophy Wife (ABC, Tuesdays, 9:30 pm). The name of this show makes me want to vomit into my shirt pocket—and yet? This sitcom about a young wife trying to fit into a new extended family (which includes not one, but two vengeful ex-wives) is turning out to be one of the most charming shows of the season. Like New Girl, Trophy Wife boasts quirky scripts that snap, crackle, and pop alongside a very strong ensemble (including kid actors you don't want to slap in the chops). Judgment: YOU ARE NOW FREE TO WATCH THIS SHOW.

Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC, Tuesdays, 8 pm). While Trophy Wife may be the most annoyingly named show of the new season, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is hands-down the most annoying to type. (Normally I just cut and paste it, because... A.N.N.O.Y.I.N.G.) Unfortunately, the show is just not as good as creator Joss Whedon and the rest of us had hoped. Ratings have been steadily slipping since episode one, and it's because S.H.I.E.L.D. (cut 'n' paste) just doesn't have the emotional center that Buffy or Firefly possessed in truckloads. Frankly, it's just another tired-ass action show—which is fine, if you like reruns of MacGyver. Judgment: YOU MAY NOW STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW.

Masters of Sex (Showtime, Sundays, 10 pm). Love Mad Men's style, but hate its oblique plots? Try Masters of Sex, which not only NAILS the cool visual style of the 1950s (Dr. Masters' home makes me want to PUKE—with envy!), but has a very specific and worthwhile focus... sex and feminism. Dramatizing the challenges faced by pioneering sex researchers Masters and Johnson, Masters of Sex hones in on what it was like to be a woman in the '50s—wielding varying amounts of power in the office (none to little) and the bedroom (none to lots). The acting and the scripts are great... and did I mention it has a LOT of sex? Judgment: YOU WILL START WATCHING THIS SHOW.

And just to make sure... let me check the mirror one more time. YUP! Awesome sauce!

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 30

10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN

When their safety is threatened, the Salem witches decide to fight fire with fire. (DO YOU GET IT?!?)

10:00 FXX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Tonight's episode: "The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 6." No further explanation is necessary.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 31

9:00 CW REIGN

A prince offers to help Scotland if Mary dumps Francis. (Maybe she should ask her Facebook friends what to do?)

10:00 ABC SCANDAL

Get ready for a super secret twist that's so crazy, you'll say, "Okay... wow. Now, that was crazy."

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1

9:00 NBC GRIMM

Captain Renard stops complaining about escalating crime rates when he's faced with escalating zombie rates.

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Scott and Reggie drool over drool-worthy guest, Jessica Alba. DA-ROOOOOL.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by Scandal's Kerry Washington! This will either be fantastic, or TERRRRRIBLE.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Conditions at the prison worsen when Rick is unable to find clippers to take care of a nasty hangnail.

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

Masters flies to a Miami hotel to rest, but is disturbed (and aroused) by the humping couple next door!

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4

9:00 FOX SLEEPY HOLLOW

Abbie has a vision that the Headless Horseman is returning to town—and "something, something about wanting a head?"

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5

8:30 FOX BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

When the fire marshal (Patton Oswalt) accuses a restaurant owner of arson, Jake uncovers a "backdraft" of evidence. (DO YOU GET IT?!? I DON'T.)

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Coach (Damon Wayans Jr.) returns to the loft and is PISSED that it isn't exactly the same as when he left!

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