LOOK. My brain is only so big, and can only hold so much. That's why, in order to ensure I have enough neurons left to write this column and drive a car, my brain automatically kicks out certain information... such as anything to do with The Lord of the Rings. WHO HAS TIME TO READ THESE BABY BOOKS ANYWAY??
And since I can't know everything about television without suffering a stroke, I've had to ignore certain TV series entirely—for example? Doctor Who. Now... I know many of you ADORE Doctor Who. In fact, if you were to make a Venn diagram of Doctor Who fans, people who love Lord of the Rings, and individuals with waaaaay too much time on their hands? You'd have one big, fat solid circle.
However, despite my enforced ignorance, I have picked up a fact or two about Doctor Who—which I will now share with you in a definitive work titled...
"THINGS I KNOW ABOUT DOCTOR WHO"
[Note to fact-checking department... don't waste your time looking any of this stuff up.—Humpy]
Doctor Who is a British science-fiction show that debuted shortly after British people realized they could watch TV. The series revolves around a doctor (Maybe a gynecologist or an obstetrician? Certainly not a dentist, HAW-HAW!) who has adventures in a time-traveling phone booth that's insensitively called a "TARDIS." (Note to producers: Consider switching to a time-traveling iPhone and calling it a "DifferentlyAbleist.")
Doctor Who wears a long ugly scarf, and battles aliens called the "Daleks" who are intent on destroying all other forms of life—even sexy ones like Zac Efron. Doctor Who also battles cyborgs (an idea totally stolen from Battlestar Galactica), whom he defeats with help from various traveling "companions" (none of whom are as sexy as Zac Efron).
OH! And get this! Whenever he "dies," he's reborn as an entirely different person. (No Zac Efron... yet.) This gives the actors portraying the Doctor exactly ZERO leverage when it comes time for contract renegotiation. ("You want... a raise? Eff YOU, Doctor Who #7! Now get back to work before I call Zac Efron.")
Ummm... I really don't think there's anything else to say about Doctor Who. WAIT... if I remember correctly, Doctor Who also battles an evil master named "Sauron" who's trying to obtain a magic ring in order to conquer the entirety of Middle-earth—but like I said... what the hell do I know?
What I DO know is that Doctor Who is celebrating his (my god) 50th anniversary this week, and you can learn as much as you can possibly bear by watching BBCA as they present a poop-ton of Who specials, including a dramatization of how the show originated, An Adventure in Space and Time (Fri Nov 22, 6 & 8 pm), a brand-new Who episode, "The Day of the Doctor" (Sat Nov 23, 11:50 am), and the one I should probably watch unless I want to remain eternally ignorant, Doctor Who Explained (Fri Nov 22, 5 pm).
Hey! That's a great idea! If I watch this show, I'll never have to worry about watching Doctor Who again! (Unless they introduce "Doctor Efron." Wink-wink.)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN
Fiona's new lover discovers she's a witch, but she's good in the sack, sooooo....
10:30 FXX THE LEAGUE
Season finale! With special guest stars comedian Aziz Ansari and Masters of Sex's Lizzy Caplan!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21
8:00 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie tries to get fluoride added to Pawnee's water, but surprise! Anti-science dummies are against it.
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
Olivia and her team head to Vermont and discover... it's for LOVERS.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Scott and Reggie welcome Andy Dick—who (look out!) can be troublesome at times!
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23
6:00 BBCA ATLANTIS
Debut! A fantasy/adventure series based on Greek mythology. (Sorry, does not feature Ryan Gosling as Young Hercules.)
10:00 HBO SARAH SILVERMAN: WE ARE MIRACLES
Naughty-mouthed comedian Sarah Silverman waxes poetic on religion, President Obama, and masturbation.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24
10:00 HBO GETTING ON
Debut! A sitcom based in a hospital for terminally ill old ladies. (I know! But it actually looks very funny!)
10:30 HBO JA'MIE: PRIVATE SCHOOL GIRL
Debut! Hilarious Aussie Chris Lilley's show about his most fabulous character: Ja'mie, the self-obsessed schoolgirl!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25
8:00 FOX ALMOST HUMAN
An intense hostage situation turns deadly. (Quick! Sacrifice the robot!!)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
The creepy wooden-puppet classic, where you will never see a more dickish Santa.
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
The gang goes camping, and Coach and Schmidt have a "macho shithead-off!"