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The Walking Living

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For people who don't read television listings religiously—you have your god, I have mine—you might want to know that the season finale of The Walking Dead is this Sunday at 9 pm on AMC... or three or four days later on your computer, if you're a special snowflake who can't be bothered. Personally, I've done my best to DESPISE The Walking Dead this season, but I've been unsuccessful, and here's why: The Walking Dead is only good when the non-zombies are also walking!

If you haven't noticed, The Walking Dead follows a pretty specific pattern: The non-zombies walk around for one season, and then find a temporary home for the next season. So basically, they walk/sit/walk/sit/walk/sit... BUT! The show's only really interesting when they're walking!

Take last season, for example. The non-zombie gang moved into an abandoned prison to keep the real zombies out—but then they got all introspective, and therefore, BOOOOOORINNNNNG!

Let's make one thing clear! I don't like ANY of these characters, and their only redeeming factor is when they think of new and increasingly hilarious ways of squashing zombie skull. (Like the time they smashed a zombie's skull by sticking it under a car tire and then peeling out? Soooo sweeeeeet.)

Anyway! I was this close to giving up on The Walking Dead after that interminable prison stay, but then? The show suddenly sprang back to life this season. Why? Because The Walking Dead is walking again. The gang split up into a bunch of mini-groups wandering aimlessly through the woods, stabbing and boot-stomping zombie skull every inch of the way—WHICH IS EXACTLY HOW I LIKE IT. If I want "introspection," I'll go back to seeing my court-appointed psychiatrist. (Trust me... in the coming zombie apocalypse, that quack will be the first to get his noggin squashed.)

So The Walking Dead is good again. That's good news, right? WRONG! WRONG-WRONG-WRONG-HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING?!? Yes, it's good "right now"—but after this Sunday, the "walking" season will be over, and where will the non-zombies be? Probably someplace absolutely safe, where they will spend the entirety of next season introspectively sticking their pinkies up their toot-holes!

THIS SHALL NOT STAND! It's time for The Walking Dead to hang it up for good—with a truly pattern-breaking final season! And naturally, I have the perfect idea for it. BEHOLD!

Despondent over being unable to find a "cure" for zombie-ism, Rick and the gang decide to come up with a game-changing plan to battle the undead. "What are the only things zombies fear?" Rick bellows. "OTHER MONSTERS." And so they rush back to that abandoned CDC building in Atlanta and concoct a virus that turns living humans into vampires, werewolves, and Frankenstein monsters. (I was going to include "mummies," but they're just zombies wrapped in medical tape.) Armed with fangs, hairy claws, and someone else's penis, these former victims are now on the attack and within three weeks have murdered every stinking zombie on the planet. HURRAY!

And to celebrate? They keep walking... to the 7-Eleven for a Slurpee. THE END.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26

8:00 CW ARROW

When the Huntress takes hostages, the Canary opens up a singing can of whup-ass!

10:00 FX THE AMERICANS

Phillip and Elizabeth are assigned a new handler, and it's... oh, no! YAKOV SMIRNOFF?!? "What a country!"

THURSDAY, MARCH 27

9:30 FOX SURVIVING JACK

Debut! A retired military man takes over the parenting in his home, and... wait. Isn't this Major Dad?

10:00 ABC SCANDAL

President Fitz lets his kids join him for a televised interview, which turns out to be the WORST mistake of his career.

FRIDAY, MARCH 28

10:00 NBC HANNIBAL

To discover the Ripper's identity, Will asks for help from fellow accused serial killer Dr. Gideon (Eddie Izzard).

SATURDAY, MARCH 29

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hurrah! Hosted by the always reliably funny Louis C.K.!

SUNDAY, MARCH 30

9:00 FOX COSMOS: A SPACE-TIME ODYSSEY

Dr. Tyson takes a trip to the middle of a "black hole"—and does not like what he sees.

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Season finale! The wandering mini-groups reunite, and quickly decide they should've kept walking.

MONDAY, MARCH 31

8:00 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

Series finale! Basically a spinoff pilot for How I Met Your Cousin and How I Met Your Uncle's Half-Sister.

9:00 CBS FRIENDS WITH BETTER LIVES

Debut! Another laugh-track sitcom starring that guy from Entourage, and that other guy from Dawson's Creek.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1

10:00 FX

JUSTIFIED

Raylan comes up with a clever ploy to get Daryl Crowe—which probably involves shooting him.

10:30 COM INSIDE AMY SCHUMER

Season premiere! Rejoice! Comedian Amy Schumer is back and as absolutely filthy as ever!

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