AMERICA! The country in which I receive a paycheck! AMERICA! The country in which I can say whatever I want about my employer without fear of termination (unless I'm General Stanley A. McChrystal). AMERICA! The country where certain newspapers stupidly refuse to pack their Fourth of July issues with an insane amount of patriotic content. (You guys can't fire me, right? After all, this is AMERICA!!)
So the other day, I asked this paper's big boss, "Yo, pops! What sort of amazing patriotic content are you planning on packing into this issue? IT'S GONNA BE INSANE, RIGHT?" Well, as it turns out, the amount of patriotic content is not INSANE at all! In fact, it's decidedly UN-insane!
Look. I get it. I work for a bunch of socialist Mao-lovin' commies. And though totally nice people, they despise everything America stands for. You'll never find them marching through the office dressed in a red, white, and blue thong, waving a flag, and singing "I'm Proud to Be an American" in a boisterous harelip monotone. You'll never find them hanging around the docks, offering free handjobs to sailors WHO RISK THEIR LIVES EVERY FREAKING DAY in order to get free handjobs from people hanging around the docks... because, well, obviously THEY HATE AMERICA.
I, on the other hand, love America. And I prove it every stinking day. I prove it by organizing a squad of A-Team style mercenaries to track down BP CEO Tony Hayward and beat him to death with cricket bats. I prove it by writing 32 e-mails a day to the Supreme Court asking them to overturn American Idol's totally unfair "no one over the age of 28" rule. (It's BULL-PLOP, MAN! BULL-FREAKING-PLOP!) Oh. And I also prove it by snorting only American-made cocaine.
That's why if this ordinarily fine weekly refuses to run an issue filled with full-page ads saying "AMERICA: LOVE IT OR FUCK YOU!" then it's up to me to provide the patriotic content the most fantastic country in the cosmos deserves. Ahem. Here I go.
AMERICA! It was you who once said, "Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime." For once, you were WRONG, AMERICA! Patriotism is reacting blindly with great rage or enthusiasm to the smallest incident—and in the least thoughtful way possible! Say, for example, a certain newspaper refuses to pack its pages with an insane amount of patriotic content. Is this an appropriate reason to drink five cases of PBR during work hours, set up a chocolate-pudding Slip 'N Slide next to the copy editor's desk, engage in a Roman-candle battle with those dickholes in the production department, and have sex with that totally cute new intern—preferably on the boss's new color printer? SHIT YEAH, MOTHEREFFERS! THIS IS AMERICA! Where I'm free to scream, dance, take goofballs, swill liquor, punch people in the face, and run down the street draped only in the flag while being chased by cops. Oh, and collect a weekly paycheck. (Note to employers: My last check was 37 cents short. Better get on that.)
THURSDAY, JULY 1
8:00 FOX GLEE
In this Glee-peat, Will tries to inspire the club with some help from the amazingly drunky Kristin Chenoweth.
10:00 SHOW PENN & TELLER: BULLSHIT!
The magicians call B.S. on one of my favorite topics: teen sex.
FRIDAY, JULY 2
9:00 ABC AMERICA CELEBRATES JULY 4TH AT FORD'S THEATER
Celebs celebrate our nation's rich history by reenacting the Lincoln assassination. (Abraham Lincoln: Lionel Richie. John Wilkes Booth: Kelly Clarkson.)
SATURDAY, JULY 3
8:00 HALL DOLLY CELEBRATES 25 YEARS OF DOLLYWOOD
With special guests Kenny Rogers, Reba McEntire, and... MILEY CYRUS?? Where the freak is Justin Bieber???
8:00 ANI PIT BOSS
Little person pit bull rescuer Shorty is assisted this week by The Exorcist's Linda Blair... and that's all I have to say about that.
SUNDAY, JULY 4
9:00 NBC MACY'S FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
10:00 CBS BOSTON POPS FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
MONDAY, JULY 5
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Ali questions the sincerity of the bachelors after an all-night hot tub gang bang.
8:00 AMC MAD MEN
The very first episode ever, in which the normally cool Don suffers a panic attack during a meeting with Lucky Strike execs!
TUESDAY, JULY 6
10:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST
With the help of financial whiz Suze Orman, Kathy attempts to whore out her mother.
11:00 FX LOUIE
Louis C.K. visits his doctor, who is also his old high school buddy, who also happens to be Ricky Gervais.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 7
10:00 BBCA THE CHOIR
Debut! Just like Glee... except in England... and with a choir. Please tell me they at least have Slushies?
11:00 SPIKE HALF PINT BRAWLERS
Season finale! The wrestlers attempt to put on the biggest midget wrestling event ever—with tiny results. (GET IT??? AMERICA!!)