Ummm... WELL? Are you just going to sit there ogling my structurally perfect ass or are you going to wish me a happy anniversary? THAT'S CORRECT! This week, I celebrate 10 glorious years of disparaging the idiot sport of football, and in particular the SUPER BOWL (which will attempt to bore the shit out of me once again on Fox, Sun Feb 6, 3 pm).
Yes, it seems like only yesterday when I started writing repetitive fanatical columns about this utterly useless national event, ranting on and on like a mouth-foaming, meth-addicted Andy Rooney trying to fathom the difference between email and Twitter. For example, this is what I said in 2005:
"Don't expect me to get all wet in the tighty whiteys over this Sunday's Super Bowl. I have no idea who's playing, and I have no interest in knowing. To me, they're all the same: a bunch of steroid-enhanced thugs who can only express their utter lack of heterosexuality by grabbing each other's asses on the sidelines."
Ahhh... such sublime subtlety! Or this more moderate entry from 2009:
"The Super Bowl committee—who I imagine as slope-foreheaded Neanderthals with long flowing locks of hair growing from their knuckles—could improve this ridiculously awful game by having some guy dressed up like Osama bin Laden run out onto the field, steal the ball, and then quickly run away as the Benny Hill theme song plays in the background. Then, while Bruce Springsteen is playing the halftime show, his titty should fall out. Followed by his penis."
Ohhh yes... I use words like a truly great artist uses watercolors—or a monkey flinging feces. And who can forget my amazing 2010 suggestion for an alternate Super Bowl activity?
"That's why I've decided to skip TV entirely on Super Bowl Sunday and go on a crime spree. Look out, world! I'll be at the Victoria's Secret store in the mall, where I'll be trying on all the ladies' underpants and then scooting around on my ass like a dog! THAT'S A CRIME, BTW!"
As you can see from these examples scattered over an entire decade, my writing has matured like a fine wine (let's say Franzia). Even more importantly, I've matured as an individual as well. Gone are the days when I would sneak into a sports bar showing the Super Bowl and fling a flaming diaper full of diarrhea at the screen, shouting, "Want a little gravy with your meatloaf?!?" (Unfortunately, no one understood my reference—BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID MOUTH-BREATHING DULLARDS—and I was quickly arrested.)
Then there was the year I went to the same sports bar on Super Bowl Sunday and painted its sign outside to read "Glory Holes 'R' Us!" They didn't think that was so funny. (INTERESTING FACT: This was the same day surgeons put a steel plate in my head.)
My point is that I've finally decided to let go of this irrational hatred for the game—idiotic though it may be—and offer its fans the following wish: Enjoy this Sunday's Super Bowl, football lovers! I hope you get exactly what you deserve. (A flaming gravy-filled diaper in your stupid meatloaf face! BOO-yah, a-holes!)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Jim abandons Michael in a gas station bathroom, because... well, why not?
Midnight TOON EAGLEHEART
Debut! Chris Elliott (remember him?) stars in this action comedy spoof of Walker, Texas Ranger!
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4
9:00 CBS SUPER BOWL'S GREATEST COMMERCIALS
The only reason to ever watch anything connected with the Super Bowl (and these suck, too).
10:30 IFC PORTLANDIA
Carrie and Fred are shocked to learn that their maid is actually singer/songwriter Aimee Mann ("Voices Carry").
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Tonight's host: Dana Carvey, who apparently is still alive.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5
3:00 FOX SUPER BOWL XLV
Hey meatballs! Enjoy your stupid game featuring the Green Bay BORINGS vs. the Pittsburgh SNORES.
7:30 FOX GLEE
The Gleetards perform Michael Jackson's Thriller; meanwhile Sue purchases a deadly "Cheerio cannon."
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6
9:00 FOX THE CHICAGO CODE
Debut! A new show about cops tackling political corruption, starring Flashdance's Jennifer Beals! Mini-EEEEEE!
10:00 TRU LIZARD LICK TOWING
Debut! Repossessing cars is the subject of this new reality show which has very little to do with lizards licking anything.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7
8:00 PBS PIONEERS OF TELEVISION
Season finale! The fascinating documentary series spotlights "local kids' TV," including Romper Room, Bozo the Clown, and more!
9:30 FOX TRAFFIC LIGHT
Debut! Three college buddies and their relationship woes. Snore. NEXT!!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8
9:00 TLC MY STRANGE ADDICTION
This week: people who can't stop bleaching their skin and eating light bulbs. (That's practically my life story!)
9:30 ABC MR. SUNSHINE
Debut! Matthew Perry from Friends stars in this workplace comedy set in a sports arena SNORE NEXT!!!