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I Love Television™

My Alternate Reality

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A few of you have mentioned that you "don't like" me much and that I might be happier living somewhere else—perhaps in an "alternate reality." Well, let me tell YOU something! I would like nothing more! You think this reality is a cakewalk for me? I have absolutely no business being in this particular universe—what with your stringent "rules" and "laws" against public nudity, rampant drug use, and squad-car larceny!

The bad news is: (a) I have no idea if an alternate reality exists, (b) if an alternate reality does exist, I have no idea how to get there, and, most horribly, (c) what if another "me" already lives there? The thought of a nice, non-blow-snorting, upstanding citizen ("alternate reality me") suffering in a universe where inhaling copious amounts of booger sugar is actually encouraged? That breaks my heart.

Alternate reality me is probably also a very square, uninteresting newspaper columnist with a lousy butt and very little sexual experience. Yet in his reality, the world is probably a nonstop drunken rager where Charlie Sheen is president, there's a war on hugs (not drugs), and a free handjob is administered every time you fill up your Humvee. (Sob! I WANT TO LIVE IN THAT WORLD!!!)

Anyway, I got to thinking about all this "alternate reality" business after watching the new NBC cop/fantasy drama Awake (debuting Thursday, March 1, 10 pm). Unlike the "cop fantasies" I'm used to, this one doesn't involve me in the back of a patrol car, handcuffed, blindfolded, and dressed like a hooker. Awake stars Jason Isaacs (Brotherhood) as police detective Michael Britten who, along with his wife and son, is involved in a devastating car accident. When he comes to, Michael learns his son is dead and his wife Hannah (Laura Allen) is consumed by grief. HOWEVER! The next time he falls asleep, he awakes to another reality where his son is alive and his wife is dead! WHAAAAAT THAAAA FAWWWWWK?

To make things even more confusing, Michael has no idea which reality is "real." He solves crimes in each reality (which are weirdly connected), spends time with his wife or son (depending on which reality he happens to inhabit at the time), and visits competing psychologists (each trying to convince him that the other one doesn't exist)!

The awesome things about Awake outweigh the problems—the cast is unilaterally terrific, the writing is sufficiently smarty-pants, and the direction keeps us from forgetting which reality we're watching. My only question: Why is this a series? The first episode is aces, but it would've made a much better movie. I can't imagine how they'll be able to sustain the intensity and interest throughout multiple episodes. Regardless! Smart, well-acted TV doesn't come around every day, so give Awake the shot it deserves. (No matter which reality you inhabit.)

As for me, I'll continue working on a way to free (and switch places with) my alternate reality counterpart—which will hopefully transpire before my felony trial next week. (I'll bet alternate reality President Charlie Sheen has no problem with me using a stolen Oscar Mayer Wienermobile to steal monkeys from the zoo. Did I mention I was nude?)

THURSDAY, MARCH 1

8:00 NBC 30 ROCK

The game is afoot in this 30 Rock mystery™ "Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky."

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Leslie and Ben freak the fawk out when her opponent hires a high-powered campaign manager.

FRIDAY, MARCH 2

9:00 NBC GRIMM

A friend of the family visits Nick to provide even more info about his demon-hunting family!

SATURDAY, MARCH 3

8:00 FOX Q'VIVA! THE CHOSEN

Debut! Because Latin America doesn't have enough problems, here's J.Lo's new reality contest looking for the next Latin superstar.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

This week hosted by Lindsay Lohan. (This can't be part of her community service, right?)

SUNDAY, MARCH 4

9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD

Shock! Shane and Rick agree on something! Not Shock! Dale bemoans the group's lack of humanity.

10:00 ABC GCB

Debut! An acronym for "Good Christian Belles" which was the replacement title for "Good Christian Bitches." I hate you network TV.

MONDAY, MARCH 5

10:00 NBC SMASH

Ivy is worried about sleeping with her director, and... no one's watching this show except for me, right?

TUESDAY, MARCH 6

8:00 FOX RAISING HOPE

When Sabrina is incarcerated, things are not improved by her cellblock guard (Katy Perry???).

10:00 NBC DECISION 2012

"Super Tuesday" results, which will help decide which GOP idiot will have his ass handed to him in November.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7

10:00 TLC MY CRAZY OBSESSION

Debut! What's this? A TLC show about people with extreme personalities? IT'S ABOUT GODDAMN TIME.

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