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I Love Television™

Let's Have Sex Week!

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Ladies... you're lucky. Sure, you may be bashing your head on the glass ceiling at work and getting paid pennies to a man's dollar—BUT! At least you have the Lifetime network. Billed as "Television for Women," Lifetime features programming depicting women at their most heroic. For example, movies such as My Stepson, My Lover (ewww), Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story (AKA the Amy Fisher flick starring—SQUEEE!—Alyssa Milano), and She Woke Up Pregnant (last time she'll ever visit that dentist). As I said, you gals are lucky. Damn it, why can't men have a network that spotlights how we're victimized while inspiring us to work up the courage to kill our spouses?

OH! Speaking of Lifetime, the network has a brand-new show debuting this week called 7 Days of Sex (Thurs April 26, 10 pm). According to the Lifetime press release, this reality show will follow around a number of couples whose marriages are disintegrating. HOWEVER! Instead of taking the logical step (like... ohhh, I don't know... maybe seeing a marriage counselor?), 7 Days of Sex challenges the bickering couples to rescue their relationship by—you guessed it! "Having sex for one week straight." (As opposed to having sex for one week "gay"—which sounds more fun if you ask me.)

Now... this is a FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC IDEA! Obviously, the reason most women no longer want to have sex with their husbands is because they are not required to do so every single day. But now that they are required, women will finally realize what their marriage has been missing: a fat, sweaty, balding man with a small (but crooked) penis pumping away inside their vagina while mentally picturing the lesbian centerfold from the Penthouse magazine hidden beneath the bed.

In fact, this is such a FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC IDEA, I decided to try it on my three ex-wives. Yes... I know. They despise me. But! Up until now, I haven't asked them to have sex with me every day for a week! Here's the email I sent to all three:

"Dear Ex–Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1, 2, and 3: I sense a growing tension between us. And while my near-constant philandering, alcohol/drug abuse, and 'monkeys on roller skates' obsession may be partially to blame, I believe I have the solution: Have rough, filthy sex with me every day for one week. Now, before you say 'no,' remember—Lifetime said 'yes.' And Lifetime is YOUR network! Therefore, it knows what's best for you, and what's 'best' is to have a weeklong marathon of sweaty, smelly sex on top of my crooked penis. I eagerly await your reply. Sincerely, your ex-husband, Humpy."

While waiting for their replies, why don't I show you a slideshow of my recent visit to a Honduran STD clinic, where... wait. THEY'VE REPLIED!!

"Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: You are hereby legally restrained from coming within 500 yards of my clients (Ex–Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1, 2, and 3). Expect severe legal repercussions if this order is violated by you or your crooked penis. Signed, Ian Larson, Attorney at Law."

Huh.

"Dear ex–girl- and boyfriends of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1–327..."

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