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I Love Television™

Pen Pals Behind Bars

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Have I mentioned I have a lot of readers in prison? It makes sense if you think about it: I watch tons of TV, they watch tons of TV... I make wine in my toilet, they make wine in their toilet. BUT! What's interesting is that the incarcerated readership of I Love Television™ is almost exclusively female. And I'm still trying to figure out why. I assume it's because male prisoners find me threatening. They are threatened by (a) my tats—even though I drew those tears on with a Bic pen, and (b) my sexuality. It's just too much for them. Male prison is already a hotbed of pent-up sexual frustration, and I can easily imagine a horny riot breaking out after reading one of my columns.

But lady prisoners love me! They think I'm cute and funny, and they are always asking me to be their pen pal. Here's one I received today from someone currently incarcerated in the Kentucky Correctional Institute for Women:

"Dear Wm. Steven Hump-Me™, my name is Jackie Ann Barquette, and I am 5'7" and 130 pounds, with brown eyes and brown hair. I have a nice smile, an easygoing sense of humor, and I love TV, too. I'm currently doing time for something I'd rather not talk about, but I'm not going to kill you or anything. LOL. ;( Anything good on TV this week? Write back soon.—Jackie Ann.

P.S. And I would not strangle you neither. LOL. :|"

And here's my response:

Dear Jackie Ann: I am 5'11" and 170 pounds, and I have heat vision, which I use to incinerate the tax forms of evildoers. [NOTE TO READERS: Not really, but I've learned that with prison pen pals, acting crazy keeps the actual dangerous people at bay.] I have reddish hair and lots of teeth. I am not going to kill you, either. :(((( I'm not in prison, but sometimes it feels like I am—a prison of awesomeness. Here's what's on TV this week!

The Great Escape (TNT, Sun June 24, 10 pm): This show will probably be of zero interest, Jackie Ann, but it's a new reality contest in which players must escape from near inescapable situations—you know, like Alcatraz Prison? Yeah, I didn't think you'd be interested. WINK.

The Newsroom (HBO, Sun June 24, 10 pm): You remember Aaron Sorkin, right? The West Wing? Sports Night? Right. Anyway, he's got this new show about a cable news network that nearly implodes after its most popular anchor—that's Jeff Daniels—has a meltdown on air. Then they all realize "Hey, maybe we can be a great news station again without being dicks about it!" In other words, it's a fairy tale.

Final Witness (ABC, Wed June 27, 10 pm): Here's an interesting show, Jackie Ann! It's a new docudrama series that "offers a unique look at America's most shocking murders"—but get this! The murdered victim will narrate the dramatizations of the crimes! EWWWW!! Man, this show could really cause some trouble for a prisoner who may have gotten away with mur—ahem. Well, gotta run! My heat vision just incinerated all my notes.

Sincerely yours, Wm.™ Steven Don't Kill Me. LOL! :(

THURSDAY, JUNE 21

8:00 NBC JUSTIN BIEBER: ALL AROUND THE WORLD

A taped concert featuring Justin Bieber and his now-much-less-fetching hairdo.

10:30 FX WILFRED

Season premiere! Ryan panics when his talking imaginary dog friend disappears. Understandable.

FRIDAY, JUNE 22

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Tonight's guest: Mad Men's Jon Hamm! Also: a man who eats bicycles!

SATURDAY, JUNE 23

9:00 SYFY ARACHNOQUAKE—Movie

(2012) An earthquake that unleashes monstrous spiders AND a fat Edward Furlong? PANIC!

10:00 CMT REDNECK ISLAND

The redneck castaways go fishing, and make a surprising catch. (Let me guess... syphilis?)

SUNDAY, JUNE 24

10:00 TNT THE GREAT ESCAPE

Debut! Non-prisoners are challenged to escape from things, providing useful info to real prisoners.

10:00 HBO THE NEWSROOM

Debut! Aaron Sorkin's new drama about a cable newsroom whose staff has "morals." (Stop laughing.)

MONDAY, JUNE 25

8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE

Emily takes her six remaining suitors to Prague, where she'll have them arrested on trumped-up drug charges.

TUESDAY, JUNE 26

10:00 TLC CRAFT WARS

Debut! Like Project Runway, except with Etsy nerds. And hosted by Tori Spelling!! EEEEEEEE!!!

10:00 LIF BRISTOL PALIN: LIFE'S A TRIPP

Bristol freaks out when ex-hubby Levi Johnston's tell-all book is published. That's right... suffer.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27

10:00 VH1 HOLLYWOOD EXES

Debut! The ex-wives of Eddie Murphy, José Canseco, and more rebuild their lives and spend their alimony.

10:00 ABC FINAL WITNESS

Debut! A "murdered" mom describes how she and her kids were killed. That's not creepy at all.

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