Hey everybody. How's it going? Good I hope. What's that? How am I? Oh, thanks for asking. Ummm... I suppose I'm doing pretty good... that is IF YOU WOULD PLEASE STOP WATCHING CBS BECAUSE YOU'RE RUINING TV FOR EVERYBODY ELSE AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!
I'm serious, people! I don't know if it's you or your grandparents (why are they still ALIVE??), but a poop-ton of people are watching the absolutely AWFUL shows on CBS. So what, you ask? SO THIS: When money-hungry network execs see that CBS has 12 (TWELVE!!) of the top 25 shows (with the abysmal NCIS on the tippy top) and they are choosing between a new show that's thoughtful, intelligent, and actually trying, and one that relies on a laugh track and fart jokes... which do you think they'll choose?
SO FOR THE GOOD OF ALL TV, STOP WATCHING CBS!!!
Except for this week.
Okay, okay, FINE! So CBS has ONE good show debuting this week! So the fuck what? Even a monkey can masturbate to porn if you give him enough Playboys! Wait... I said that wrong. Even a monkey can write Shakespeare if you give him a typewriter and enough porn! No... WHATEVER!! My point is that if we all watch this ONE decent-looking CBS show and nothing else on CBS, then maybe they'll stop cramming Criminal Minds down our throats!
So what's this "decent-looking" CBS show? It's Under the Dome (debuting Mon, June 24, 10 pm)—and as you masturbating monkeys who love to read already know, it's based on a popular Stephen King book, AND executive produced by Steven Spielberg, AND developed by nerd god Brian K. Vaughan (of Lost and Y: The Last Man fame). And the plot is more interesting than 1,000 episodes of NCIS: Life is seemingly good in the small fictional town of Chester's Mill (pop. 1,976) UNTIL! Boom-shacka-lacka! A giant invisible dome drops over the entire town! (Yes, the same thing happened in The Simpsons Movie—but this show is totally different: Everyone here has pink skin, and five fingers on each hand.)
Nobody gets in; nobody gets out—if you touch the dome, it shocks you. And it extends 20,000 feet into the sky (which provides plenty of awesome plane crashes... inside and out)! How did it get there? Well, if you've read the book, you already know... or if you're familiar with Stephen King, you can probably guess. But here's the point: While Chester's Mill was only slightly creepy before, now the town's populace shifts into creepy overdrive. Dictator-like politics form, morals go out the window, and eventually the inhabitants will have to deal with the fact they're running out of food. (Pro tip: Don't dress up like a pork chop!)
Under the Dome stars Breaking Bad's Dean Norris (Hank! SQUEEE!) and best of all? There are no plans to stretch it into another season. Thirteen episodes and they're out the door—or flattened by the dome, whichever comes first.
So do your part to save the future of television by watching Under the Dome and absolutely nothing else on CBS! I, and a legion of masturbating monkeys typing Shakespeare, thank you.
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19
10:00 COM FUTURAMA
Season premiere! The professor joins a street-racing gang. Cue Fast & Furious Futurama jokes!
10:30 E! THE SOUP INVESTIGATES
Debut! Joel McHale and his crack(head) staff of reporters investigate investigative investigations!
THURSDAY, JUNE 20
Season finale! What? Will is accused of being a serial killer? HANNIBAL IS THE REAL SERIAL KILLER! He's right there!!
10:00 FX WILFRED
Season premiere! Wilfred—the talking dog—looks for his original master (though he probably just wants to score some dope).
FRIDAY, JUNE 21
11:00 SHO DAVE FOLEY: RELATIVELY WELL
Comedian (and former NewsRadio and Kids in the Hall star) Dave Foley performs his stand-up.
SATURDAY, JUNE 22
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
A terrific repeat starring Louis C.K. and that heeeelarious Lincoln sketch! Don't miss it this time!
SUNDAY, JUNE 23
NBC CROSSING LINES
Debut! A super team of international cops illegally enter random countries to solve crimes. Yay?
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Season finale! Don dies! (Or, you know, he doesn't.)
MONDAY, JUNE 24
9:30 FOX ANGER MANAGEMENT
If you don't have cable, and want to watch this terrible Charlie Sheen sitcom—here's your chance. Dummy.
10:00 CBS UNDER THE DOME
Debut! A big invisible dome drops over a small town—and why can't this happen to the entire South?
TUESDAY, JUNE 25
10:00 MTV CATFISH: THE TV SHOW
Season premiere! The reality show based on the perils of online dating returns—now with 100 percent more peril.
11:00 SPIKE NEVER EVER DO THIS AT HOME
This week's experiment: gardening with explosives. (That sounds slightly more enjoyable than regular gardening.)