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I LOVE TELEVISION™

What You Can Do for Me

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Perhaps now, more than ever, we can begin to understand the true meaning of Christmas. Perhaps it takes a global financial collapse to make us really take stock in ourselves and discover what's truly important about this holiday: focusing on the needs of others rather than ourselves. Let's take MY needs for example.

You certainly don't have enough money to buy gifts for all of your friends and family. So just tell them this: "Friends, family... I've discovered that the TRUE meaning of Christmas isn't about buying presents for you. It's about buying presents for Humpy. So in closing, may I wish you the merriest of holiday greetings... and suck it."

With this problem solved, now all you have to decide is what to buy me for Christmas. NO WORRIES. Once again, I have done all your work for you with the following handy-dandy, aptly entitled, "Humpy's What-You're-Gonna-Get-for-Me List." Don't thank me! It's my gift to you!

• Girls Gone Crazy, Girls Gone Crazier, and Girls Going XXXtra Crazy DVDs (asseenontv.com, only $9.95 each)—The awesome thing about the "As Seen on TV" website is that they sell EVERYTHING! Even things I've never seen on TV, such as this Girls Gone Crazy DVD series in which mentally unbalanced females go freaking nuts and start whipping off their shirts. I'm looking forward to the next DVD in the series, Girls Going So Batpoop Crazy, They're Ripping off the Clothes of Innocent Bystanders While Screaming Unintelligibly and Wildly Swinging a Samurai Sword.

The Slanket (asseenontv.com, only $39.95)—This is f-bombing BRILLIANT. It's a blanket... with built-in arm sleeves! Hate the feeling of the blanket slipping off your shoulders when you're reading a book, sipping tea, or administering a handjob? Me, too. So if you want a decent handjob, buy me a Slanket.

Heart Tops Nipple Covers (asseenontv.com, only $10.95)—I'll admit it, my nipples are extremely sensitive. Not only that, when excited, my nipples grow up to four inches in length and are as hard (and dangerous) as ice picks. So buy these nipple covers for me—unless of course, you WANT to go blind.

ShamWow Towels (asseenontv.com, only $19.95)—You've seen the commercials for these, right? Starring that nutty guy with a faux-hawk who looks just like Willem Dafoe? Anyway, these towels can soak up to 21 times their own weight in liquid! Do you know what this means? If I eat one before going out on a boozy-bender, it's "good-bye hangover!"

Battlestar Galactica Cylon Toaster (nbcuniversalstore.com/?v=sci-fi, only $65). "Toaster" used to be just another racial epithet to fling at those dirty, stinking Cylons—but now you can buy a Battlestar Galactica "toaster" that actually makes toast! PLUS! Not only is the end product delicious, a different message is burned on each side of the bread—either "Cylon" or "Frak Off!" Oh, yeah? Well, Mr. Cylon... I'm going to eat the frak out of you!

American Gladiators Ladies Mesh Gym Shorts (nbc.com/Shop, only $12.99). Hey! I've got to wear something underneath my Slanket.

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