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My Ex-Wives

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Don't let the statistics fool ya! There's a reason 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce—because "divorce" ROCKS! Seriously, I love "divorce" so much, I bought three of them. It's almost better than getting married! The downside of "divorce" is, of course, the money factor. OUCH! Not only does the ex-wife get to chow down on a big piece of your money pie, the lawyers lick up all the crumbs! The upside? One less naggy wife in your life. Now when she says, "Humpy, will you EVER wash a dish?" I can say, "Sure I will, honey... for Mrs. Humpy number three!" (And so on and so forth, inserting Mrs. Humpy number four, five, and six.)

I love my ex-wives—even more than when we were married. Because now I no longer have to cover up untoward deviant behavior such as... well, you fill in the blanks. And my exes like me better, too. Now when I have sex with them, afterward they can just kick my cracker ass out the door (and believe me... they do). Therefore, I recommend "divorce" wholeheartedly—and suggest you rush out to get one today!

HOWEVER! There are those who'd like nothing better than to buzz-stomp this hallowed institution. Those who would actually suggest money-wasting tactics such as "marriage counseling" and "couples retreats." Believe me, unless those retreats involve swinging, you want nothing to do with them. There are also those who would try to convince you that life after divorce is actually WORSE than being married! Unbelievable? You bet your sweet and juicy flesh cushion it is! Even more unbelievably, they've made a new TV show about it! (Cue segue.)

It's called Ex-Wives Club (debuting Mon May 28, 9 pm, ABC), a show solely designed to ruin "divorce" for the rest of us! In this reality show, "famous" exes Angie Everhart (who was married to Ashley Hamilton), Marla Maples (once married to Donald Trump), and Shar Jackson (the ex of Kevin Federline... poor thing) act as supposedly wizened life coaches for people who have suffered from devastating split-ups—including guys. For example, in the first episode, when a Gulf War vet is dumped by his two-timing wifey, it's Marla Maples to the rescue, vowing to put him back on the road to dating with a "Trump-style makeover." Sorry to disappoint you, Marla, but sufferers of Gulf War Syndrome need something besides a comb-over.

And get this! In the same episode, the trio attempt to guide a suffering victim through her post-divorce grief by presenting her with her ex-husband's favorite possession—a vintage car—and then instruct her to push it out of an airplane over the Arizona desert!! WHAT... THE... FAWK?? Then they give her a makeover. Again I ask you: WHAT... THE... FAWK??

Look. The last thing I want is these so-called divorce "gurus" putting crazy ideas into my ex-wives' heads! Because the next thing you know, they'll be flying over the Arizona desert pushing my most favorite possession out of a plane. (And we all know what THAT is. Okay... here's a hint: It's attached to me!)

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