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I'm Staying Home

YOUTUBE JACKASSES

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"WARNING: The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so neither you nor your dumb buddies should attempt anything from this movie," reads the completely futile disclaimer before Jackass: Number Two. No doubt it's there as a result of various dumb kids getting killed as they emulated Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O. But deaths and maimings aside, the morons keep on emulatin'— search for "jackass" on YouTube.com, and be astonished, delighted, and disturbed by the sheer number of wannabe jackasses masochistically hurting themselves.

Flipping Off a Cop—Ever wondered what happens when you go up to a cop and flip him off? You get your ass handed to you, that's what. With a goddamn nightstick. (youtube.com/watch?v=eCQ6xonbsnc)

Shitlicker— Man, foreign people are weird. Apparently, the cool thing to do on weekends if you're a foreign teenager is go into the woods, lick your own feces, and then throw up over and over. We're glad we live in America. (youtube.com/watch?v=jJ5HJSKCvIk)

Ridin' Dirty—A bunch of white kids who've seen too much Jackass/played too much Mario Kart/listened to too much hiphop crash go-carts, over and over and over, all to the sweet strains of Chamillionaire's "Ridin'." Sadly, there are no broken legs or necks to be found. (youtube.com/watch?v=rfN615uv9dM)

Flamer—Remember that lame comic book, Ghost Rider, about a flaming skeleton who rides around on a motorcycle? This video is just like that, but instead of a flaming skeleton, this is just some kid who lit his sweatshirt on fire. And instead of a motorcycle, it's a BMX, which the kid rides directly into a creek. Bicyclists on fire make for awesome visuals. (youtube.com/watch?v=n2FLC8yqM34)

Fore!—This clip exemplifies the chasm between being a funny "jackass" and being a completely unfunny "asshole." A bunch of suburban teens whack golf balls at the neighbor's SUV and get all giggly/scared when one actually connects. (youtube.com/watch?v=kUqzrbk22pk) CHAS BOWIE & ERIK HENRIKSEN

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