Film

Inside the Mind of Boner McSnore

Charlie Sheen Goes Inside Charles Swan III

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I FIRST TRIED to watch A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III when it was on VOD. I watched 15 minutes of it and promptly started doing chores around the house. Then I got this assignment to review it, and out of some misplaced feeling of obligation to watch the entirety of a movie I'm assigned to review, I watched it again. I would not recommend doing this. Morgan Freeman does not show up in the last five minutes to deliver some velvety monologue of pure, blinding insight into the human condition. In fact, it was just more insufferable, soulless, masturbatory bullshit. On the plus side, it's a great movie to throw on if you need to get some housework done. 

Charlie Sheen plays Charles Swan, and Charles Swan likes to daydream. He daydreams so much that he even daydreams inside his daydreams! Unfortunately, these daydreams are boring, and so is Charles. He's "campy sitcom man." An infomercial man. Selfish, doesn't listen, and always thinking about sex. Oh, and he's all torn up about his breakup with Ivana (Katheryn Winnick), a model who owns lots of shoes. Because women be shoppin', obviously. This is a movie that thinks it's Portnoy's Complaint when it's barely According to Jim.

The only thing worse than someone with nothing to say is an over-styled person with nothing to say, and this shiny Jonas Brothers of a movie looks like a wannabe IKEA showroom designer's demo reel. In Charles' dreams, the girls are Indians and the boys are cowboys. And not regular cowboys and Indians, but hot model chick Indians, with kitschy vintage '70s costume-shop cowboys! And they're fighting "The Battle of the Sexes," get it?! 

I mean... that's not even a metaphor. It's just a figure of speech taken to obnoxious lengths by flailing theater kids. This is a whole movie of that. We should use this film to extract information from terrorists.

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