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Is My Pet GAY?!?

A Quiz for Parents of Sexually Indeterminate Animals

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Ah, pets! They aren't just decorations like a comfortable chair or an ornamental dagger. Any pet owner knows that our animal friends are blessed with their own unique personalities and distinct preferences. But since pets rarely speak, we're often left guessing just what those preferences really are--and how deep they go. All too often, we mistake their silence for heterosexuality.

This official quiz, created by The American Institute of Animal Sexuality, just might help you (and your pet!) sort a few things out.

1. "My pet perks up noticeably when it hears words with an '...ay' or '...esbian' sound."

a) True

b) False

2. Does your pet gaze knowingly, or stare dumbly?

a) Knowingly

b) Dumbly

3. "My pet reclines, stretches or otherwise 'accidentally' reveals its genitals more than is strictly necessary.

a) True, and we're the same gender.

b) True, and we're different genders.

c) False

4. "My pet is unusually aggressive towards other animals with a reputation for gayness."

a) True

b) False

5. "When I dress my pet in clothes, it's for fun, not for anything dirty."

a) True, and we're the same gender.

b) True, and we're different genders.

c) False

6. "I often feel pressured to stroke or caress my pet 'to completion.'"

a) True, and we're the same gender.

b) True, and we're different genders.

c) False

7. "If my pet and I discovered an ideal world where the small-minded fear and bigotry of others could never interfere with the sacred bonds of love, I would almost definitely fuck my pet."

a) True, and we're the same gender.

b) True, and we're different genders.

c) False

8. "My pet seems to prefer long walks in parks frequented by homosexuals."

a) True

b) False

c) N/A

9. When your female pet is in heat, which color Q-tip, applied to the behind-parts, seems to provide the most relief?

a) Pastel pink

b) Pastel blue

c) N/A

10. "My pet seems distressed by its own fur."

a) True

b) False

c) N/A

11. "I try not to touch my pet's dewclaw."

a) True

b) False

c) N/A

12. According to experts, "mounting behavior" in animals of either gender is usually a matter of dominance-- not sex. Do you believe this?

a) No

b) Yes

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