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Planes, Trains & Automobiles--on fire!

There's nothing like watching other people suffer--especially when you can do it from the comfort of your own living room. So, in honor of our travel issue, I present four films of disastrous wandering that take you by plane, train, boat, and auto to your "final destination."

Freeway (1996)--Reese Witherspoon is a potty mouth Little Red Riding Hood hitching her way to Grandma's house after her crack whore mom (Amanda Plummer) gets thrown in jail. Kiefer Sutherland picks her up--could he be a wolf in schmuck's clothing? Best Part: Brooke Shields blows her head off.

Airport (1975)--In the first of Airport's three sequels, we find the lovely Karen Black as a liberated stew who has to fly a crippled jet to safety after the pilot is sucked out of the cockpit. (Literally.) The real shocker of this '70s-a-rific funfest is how ugly Charlton Heston had become by 1975. YUCK! Best Part: Helen "I Am Woman" Reddy lip syncs a crappy folk song to terminally ill Linda Blair.

Terror Train (1980)--If you love watching frat boys die in sick and twisted ways, you will love this little Jamie Lee Curtis slasher flick. Set on New Year's Eve within the claustrophobic confines of a moving train, it has the look of a bad junior high stage play with the soul of a wicked Agatha Christie novel. Best Part: David Copperfield as (get this) The Magician.

Dead Calm (1989)--Sam Neill and Nicole Kidman set sail at sea to celebrate their heterosexuality. Along comes Billy Zane: He wants what Sam has, Nicole is confused. The mayhem that ensues is actually paced amazingly well. Watch out for the flares... Best Part: Billy Zane naked. HUBBA HUBBA!!

Oh, the joy of travel. Have a great trip, and don't forget to pack the Wet Ones! M. LON FREE

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