Theater

Nick Swardson

KATIE SHIMER

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You may recognize Nick Swardson as Terry, the roller-skating male prostitute from Reno 911!, or from his parts in the film comedies Grandma's Boy and The Benchwarmers, both of which he co-wrote. If you haven't seen him, rush out and buy your tickets for his nearly sold-out Saturday night show, or else you'll be sorry.

MERCURY: How would you encapsulate yourself on the back of a book jacket?

NICK SWARDSON: I always wanted to write an autobiography and I always wanted to title it My Life as a Hermaphrodite with Diarrhea.

How did you get your start in comedy?

I'd been doing improv and stuff and I just went and did an open mic as a goof. After my set the club owner was like, "Dude, you gotta fucking do this." Then my mom helped out and wrote all my jokes.

What is your ideal vacation?

To sit on the beach... in Iraq. Just kidding. I don't know, I guess maybe a dive bar in Chicago. I love Chicago.

Do you like how the bars stay open until 4 am?

Yeah, it's a little gratuitous, though. I just did some shows there and I almost died.

What is your least favorite household chore?

Cleaning the blood off the walls.

What really annoys you?

Cancer.

Do you wear one of those "Live Strong" bracelets so everyone knows how you feel about cancer?

Yeah. I love those bracelets. I have about 400 of them. Really, though, it seems like those bracelets only benefit the guy who owns the bracelet factory.

Do you think they should let Paris Hilton out of jail?

Yes.

Why?

Because she's a good friend of mine, and she's miserable. I mean Brandy and Rebecca Gayheart killed people. Paris, like, drove on a suspended license.

What's the funniest thing you've seen lately?

The videotape of two of my best friends nude-wrestling in a parking lot last night.

Do you travel with your friends?

Yes. I like to call them my entou-RAGE.

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