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One Day at a Time

The Week in Review

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MONDAY, OCTOBER 14

This just in: Kanye West is a big, dumb snob. As he constantly reminds us, Kanye is the best thing to happen to the fashion world since Coco Chanel slipped into a pair of men's britches—and so, is totes embarrassed by his no-style baby mama Kim Kardashian. In a ridiculously wrongheaded attempt to gain Kim some public respect, he persuaded her to design a line of baby clothes that were, you know, "fashion forward." Shockingly, she blew it—or so Kanye thinks. "The truth of the matter is that he doesn't think Kim has good style," says a snoopy spy to Radar Online. "He knows whatever she produces will be a direct reflection on him. So far, it's just all kinds of wrong." Now in Kim's defense, designing Givenchy-style onesies that babies will use as a vomit mop is an exercise in idiocy. On the other hand? Knowing Kim, her baby designs probably come with a built-in cameltoe. MEANWHILE... Remember last week when Kanye moaned to Jimmy Kimmel about how Kim should have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and we all laughed and laughed? Well, Walk of Fame spokeswoman Ana Martinez responded! (YAY! This is gonna be good.) When asked if Kim was eligible for her own star, Martinez sniffed, "We don't have a category for reality stars on the Walk of Fame." (Can't you just smell the derision?) Martinez continues, "That's not the way to go about getting a star—on national TV without checking into whether or not she qualifies... WHICH SHE DOES NOT." Hahahahahaaaa! Message received!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 15

Is actor Jamie Foxx dating former Scientology Stepford Wife Katie Holmes? Answer: YES! Also... NO! According to "multiple sources" speaking to In Touch magazine, the pair have been dating on the down-low ever since sharing a sexy dance to "Blurred Lines" (gross) during a summer party in the Hamptons. And another anonysource swears that in September, a driver arrived one morning at Jamie's hotel to pick him up, but Katie jumped into the car instead. "A hotel employee confirmed that Katie had stayed at the hotel with Jamie, and that she was taking his car." Unfortunately, Jamie shut down the rumor to Entertainment Tonight, saying, "[The rumors] are 100 percent not true. In fact, it's quite hilarious because we simply danced at a charity event." In other words? THIS RUMOR IS 100 PERCENT TRUE. Thanks for the confirmation, Jamie!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16

Forget school shootings, homophobia, and Republicans shutting down the government... nothing inspires moral outrage like people texting in movie theaters. And during this week's New York Film Festival, one high-profile movie texter was caught in the act: MADONNA. According to a Facebook post by a former student of critic Charles Taylor, Madonna was texting up a storm during the premiere of 12 Years a Slave (about a free black man who was abducted and sold into slavery). When a woman tapped Madge on the shoulder and asked her to put her phone away, she turned and reportedly hissed back, "It's for business... ENSLAVER!" While one should never, ever text in a movie theater—we're totally stealing this phrase for our own use. For example, the next time Hubby Kip looks at us funny for sprawling out on the front lawn with gossip mags and two bags of cotton candy, we'll hiss back: "It's for business... ENSLAVER!"

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17

And so, after 16 long days of furloughed employees going without pay, single mothers being denied their monthly checks, and the entire country teetering on the edge of default, today House Republicans finally—FINALLY—saw the writing on the wall, and voted to end the government shutdown. The agreement struck by the House and Senate will keep government agencies running through mid-January, while raising the debt limit, and sending hundreds of thousands of government employees back to work. And what did the Republicans get for their bitching, whining, and obstruction? Not one goddamned thing. Nice work, idiots! "There are no winners here," President Obama said following the vote. "These last few weeks have inflicted completely unnecessary damage on our economy." So... yes. There are no winners. But check out some of the Teabaggy losers who squealed in anguish over today's vote. "There goes the country," moaned one loser in the comment section of Glenn Beck's TheBlaze. "Time for Red State secession... UNITED RED STATES OF AMERICA. WE WANT OUR FREEDOM!" squealed another. But here's our favorite: "Do you get the feeling like this whole government shutdown was a ploy by the progressives in both parties to isolate and destroy the Tea Party? They knew it was going to fail and they knew the Tea Party would be blamed!" We almost feel sorry for them. (No we don't. Not the least little bit.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 18

And the GOP comedy of errors doesn't stop there! The Baltimore Sun reports that thanks to the government shutdown—and concerns we'll have another one—holiday spending will be down this year, dealing a blow to America's economy (which already took a $24 billion hit thanks to the shutdown). "To move the economy forward, we need a strong consumer," doomsayer prophet Bradley Turner of Moody's Analytics foretold, after observing the rotten finger bones of a witch that he rattled around in a haunted chalice of tea leaves. "If a consumer can't rely on his or her job... they aren't going to spend. It's going to be a pretty weak holiday season." Well, good thing we asked Hubby Kip for a mere three pairs of Charlotte Olympia shoes this year—one pair of pumps, one pair of boots, and one pair of cat flats. (We learned from the shutdown that it's best to be prepared for anything.) MEANWHILE... Lost in the panic about the shutdown was the fact that the Affordable Care Act isn't doing so great. The reason? A catastrophically broken website that makes signing up for insurance more or less impossible. The Obama administration, desperate to save face, is doing their best to fix it—but it might be too late. Why? Because Republicans in Congress refused to properly fund the site in the first place. And now they won't stop pointing out how broken it is. Boys, boys, boys—it's like we told Hubby Kip when he saw the price tag on those shoes: If you want something that isn't going to embarrass you, you have to pay for it.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 19

While she isn't quite as bad as the GOP, Gwyneth Paltrow is still 1,000 different kinds of awful, as evidenced by her latest crusade: to destroy Vanity Fair! The bougie tabloid has been investigating a possible affair Gwynnie had with Miami billionaire Jeff Soffer in 2008—and Us reports that when Paltrow found out about the story, she sent a stern email to her "celebrity friends." "Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine," wrote Paltrow, who clearly loathes all of the attention she's always asking for. "If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again." Oh, Gwynnie: It's stories like these that remind us why the freedom of the press is a glorious, glorious thing. (Psst! Confidential to Paltrow's pals! Yes, all two of you! She didn't say anything about not talking to us! Hint, hint: ann@portlandmercury.com. Mwah!)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 20

There are some stories that are just... perfect. Like this one from Radar Online regarding Ryan Reynolds: "Reynolds and his wife, Blake Lively, were flying on Delta Flight #1715.... Reynolds was seated in seat 2D, and according to eyewitnesses, 'About two-thirds of the way into the flight, a young lady in front of him in 1D vomited toward her window, which then spewed back all over Ryan's beige cashmere sweater.'" Other key elements to the story: the infamous Woman in 1D "had clearly had too much to drink," and thus "the vomit looked like it was largely made up of red wine"; that Reynolds was forced to remove his sweater and request assistance from the flight staff who "were seen giggling among themselves"; and, finally, that Reynolds and Lively pretended it was all NBD. (To be fair, and compared to Green Lantern, this was not the most humiliating disaster the couple have endured.) "They tried to pretend like nothing happened," a fellow traveler said. "The vomiting was quiet... but the smell was rancid." Perfection, dears. Perfection.

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