MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3
Today in UGGGNNNHH: On Saturday, the New York Times published an open letter from Dylan Farrow (the adopted daughter of director Woody Allen), in which she describes being sexually assaulted by the director when she was seven years old. Again, UGGGGNNNHHH. The letter—which is simultaneously sad and horrifying—also calls out stars that have worked with Allen. "What if it had been your child, Cate Blanchett," Farrow wrote. "Louis CK? Alec Baldwin? What if it had been you, Emma Stone? Or you, Scarlett Johansson? You knew me when I was a little girl, Diane Keaton. Have you forgotten me?" Naturally, everyone in Hollywood immediately went ape-shit, jumping in to either defend Allen (as Barbara Walters did on The View) or themselves. When one of Alec Baldwin's followers used their Twatter machine to say, "don't you think maybe you owe #DylanFarrow an apology?" the always-levelheaded (sarcasm!) Baldwin replied, "What the f&@% is wrong w u that u think we all need to b commenting on this family's personal struggle?" Then horror novelist Stephen King—who has only recently jumped onto Twatter—stepped into a big pile of it after responding to a writer who sympathized with Farrow. "Boy, I'm stumped on that one," King twatted about the open letter. "I don't like to think it's true, and there's an element of palpable bitchery there, but...." As we know, the internet loves it when an alleged rape victim is accused of "palpable bitchery," and King later apologized for his very poor choice of words. But perhaps the weirdest reaction to Farrow's accusation came from Allen's own lawyer, Elkan Abramowitz, who responded to the letter thusly on Today: "[Allen's] reaction is one of overwhelming sadness," said Abramowitz. "The idea that [Dylan] was molested was implanted by her mother [Mia Farrow, Woody's ex], and that memory is never going to go away." Two things to take away from this: Allegations from a potential abuse victim should always be taken very seriously, and if Mia Farrow actually did have mind-control powers, she would've never been with Woody Allen in the first place.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4
Hey, let's check in on what America's most unloveable douchebag, Justin Bieber, is up to this week! According to the New York Daily News, the DEA and US Customs searched JB's personal jet at New Jersey's Teterboro Airport after his pilots complained of an abundance of marijuana smoke. Investigators were told that Bieber and his pals were smoking so much that the pilots had to put on oxygen masks so they wouldn't risk inhaling the dope. One pilot also claimed he warned Bieber "several times" to lay off the pot and stop harassing the flight attendant—who was later instructed to stay near the cockpit to avoid further abuse. Bieber admitted to investigators he had been smoking marijuana on the plane... though agents were mysteriously unable to find any on board—MAYBE BECAUSE HE SMOKED IT ALL? But there is some good news to be had: According to TMZ, Bieber is now on the US Customs watch list, and every time he leaves or lands in America, he'll be subjected to a detailed search and extensive questioning. Fans may not like Justin being lumped in the same category as "terrorists"—but we say there are all kinds of "terror."
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5
Three people have been arrested for heroin possession in the continuing investigation into the death of beloved actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. As we sadly reported last week, Hoffman was found dead in his office with a needle in his arm, surrounded by "dozens of heroin packets" that were labeled "Ace of Spades." A source told police that Hoffman had been seen with the alleged pushers, leading to last night's raid—though the drugs found onsite did not have any "Ace of Spades" markings. According to the New York Times, 382 people died in 2012 in New York City from heroin overdoses. MEANWHILE... TV writer/producer and former addict Aaron Sorkin offered this helpful reminder about addiction in his obit for Hoffman in Time magazine: "Phil Hoffman... did not die from an overdose of heroin—he died from heroin. We should stop implying that if he'd just taken the proper amount then everything would have been fine."
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6
As you know, "tiger blood" aficionado Charlie Sheen has spent much of his time on Twatter slagging Ashton Kutcher after the mop-topped actor took over his role on the terrible sitcom Two and a Half Men. Last night while making a guest appearance on Jimmy Kimmel, Ashton announced to the camera that he's had enough. "Dude, shut the fuck up!" Kutcher yelled at Sheen. "Seriously, like, enough already. It's three years later and you're still blowing me up on Twitter? Come on, dude, really?" Today, Charlie responded (on Twatter, naturally) with the following: "Ashton, message received. So sorry... I was pissed at other crap & took it out on you. xox C." Wait a second... did Charlie Sheen just apologize? That is really unlike... hold on... Charlie has something else to add. "But news flash, dood," Charlie twattered. "You ever tell me to shut the fuck up, EVER again, and I'll put you on a hospital food diet for a year!" Phew! For a minute, we thought we were transported to an alternate universe.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 7
Just in case you forgot Justin Bieber can ruin absolutely anything, look no further than his former girlfriend—the 100 percent adorbs Selena Gomez! While we hoped the Disney starlet gave Bieber a one-way ticket to Dumpstown before he could cause too much damage, it looks like we were wrong. "Shortly before Justin Bieber was in jail, his ex Selena Gomez was in rehab," Us reports. "The 21-year-old 'Come and Get It' singer secretly entered a rehab facility in January"—not because of drug use, according to a source, but to "get herself together." Naturally we blame Justin for this, as everyone should do with everything.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8
This just in: In case you haven't noticed, the 2014 Winter Olympics have been awful so far—filled with anti-gay bigotry, unfinished facilities, lack of water and power, displaced and impoverished residents, stray dogs being euthanized, dissidents being forbidden from watching the games, Bob Costas' pinkeye, and... the list goes on. But now the National Broadcasting Company is making things even worse—by editing out chunks of the opening ceremony, including a statement delivered by International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach that directly criticized Russia's homophobic laws! "It is possible—even as competitors—to live together under one roof in harmony, with tolerance and without any form of discrimination for whatever reason," Bach said at the ceremony, but his statement was clumsily cut from the American broadcast. NBC claimed Bach was "edited for time," but given the distinctly bigoted flavor of these games, you'd think they could have cut something else. (Like, say, cross-country skiing? Here's the total number of people who would miss cross-country skiing: ZERO.)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9
Brace yourselves, dears, because French tabloid Gala has the scoop of the century... they're claiming that President Barack Obama is allegedly having an affair... with Beyoncé! We're going to say that again, simply because it is the greatest phrase that has ever existed: President Barack Obama is allegedly having an affair... with Beyoncé! While Gala has no proof of this whatsoever, we're going to choose to believe it wholeheartedly, because how amazing would that be? (And we refuse to feel bad for Michelle Obama or Jay-Z in this hypothetical situation, because if this were true, and if Michelle and Jay-Z ended up comforting each other, think about what an amazing couple they would be! Eeee!) At some point, we know it will become clear that none of this is true and Gala is making this all up—but until then, dears, let us dream this beautiful dream. Let us dream. We will face our disappointment when it comes—we will sigh and we will say "C'est la vie," and we will think wistfully of the Camelot that could have been.