MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26 The biggest news from last night's Oscars? Dreamgirls co-star Eddie Murphy was spotted storming out of the ceremony after not winning the best supporting actor statuette—either that, or he was on the verge of a narcoleptic coma after watching host Ellen DeGeneres' wacky shenanigans. (Pushing a vacuum cleaner? Wearing an Oscar/Baby Bjorn? Maybe it's finally time for Carrot Top's comeback.) Well, at least the rehabby shenanigans of Britney Spears never let us down. First of all, let's congratulate this fallen pop idol for actually staying in rehab for almost an entire week without a single incidence of beating on an SUV with an umbrella. And why shouldn't she stay? After all, she has an entire rehab wing alllllll to herself. A snoopy source told the London Sun, "She wants all the rooms on her wing. It will cost her hundreds of thousands." To our minds, there are only two reasons for wanting an entire rehab wing to yourself: (1) Britney wants to avoid mixing with other patients—for as we know, addicts can be notoriously gabby with the press, and (2) maybe she's learning how to ride a unicycle. (Have you ever tried to learn to ride one of those things without the benefit of padded walls? They hurt!)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27 Forget the polls. Here's how you really know that the approval rating for the Bush administration is at an all time low: today in Afghanistan, a suicide bomber attempted to kill Vice President Dick Cheney—but we were too busy yawning to care. The Veep was visiting one of our military bases when a Taliban suicide bomber rammed the building where Cheney was staying. "I heard a loud boom," the vice president monotoned. "They moved me for a relatively brief period of time to one of the bomb shelters nearby. As the situation settled down... I went back to my room until it was time to leave." Yeah... exciting story, Dick. No wonder no one gives a crap (except maybe the 14 people who were killed because you're such an unimaginative and loathsome creep). MEANWHILE... Next time you're on I-84, look around for those yellow "Support Our Troops" magnets... hey. Where did they go? Time was when you couldn't swing a mullet-wearing Greshamite without hitting a 4x4 sporting one of these ubiquitous patriotic stick-ons. However, according to the Financial Times, Magnet America—the world's largest "Support Our Troops" magnet manufacturer—has seen sales of their most popular magnet plummet from 1.2 million in 2004 to a lowly 4,000 per month. These poor sales are almost surely indicative of the American public's growing distaste for the Bush administration and the increasingly unpopular war in Iraq—but don't worry about Magnet America! They've already got a brand-new product that's selling like hotcakes to Christian youth: It's a rubber wristband promoting chastity before marriage that reads, "True Love Waits." (Maybe they can make a new ribbon-shaped magnet that says, "Support My Child's Hymen.")
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28
"Who dares poison Beyoncé??" was the question on everyone's lips today when the Dreamgirls diva, along with Hollyweird's hottest supermodels, were almost given Hepatitis A—and by no other than chef Wolfgang Puck! According to TMZ.com, Ms. B was exposed to the potentially deadly strain while whooping it up at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue party, catered by that famous maker of really gross canned soup, Puck. In the interest of fairness, it was one of his employees who was spreading the Hep A, not Wolfgang himself—even though his awful soups taste like a bowl of medical waste. And though Beyoncé has since received a clean bill of health, the jury is still out on the rest of the issue's supermodels who may have eaten some of the tainted food, and... waitasecond! Supermodels don't eat! Crisis averted.
THURSDAY, MARCH 1 What does it take to get kicked off American Idol? Well, you can take awful singing and semi-nude photos off the list. AI producers decided today to allow Catholic University student Antonella Barba to continue singing in the unbelievably popular competition, after saucy photos of her were leaked this week on the internet. The shots depicted her in a variety of tawdry and nipple-y poses including sitting on a basketball, squatting on a toilet, and frolicking in the water in front of a World War II memorial. Unfortunately, additional photos were also widely posted depicting someone who looked like Barba administering oral gratification on a well-manicured gentleman. However, Barba's friends rushed to debunk the porny shots. "The really bad ones aren't her," said best friend Amanda Coluccio. "I've studied them. It's not her nose. She's never had [acrylic nail] tips in her life." WOW! When it comes to defending people, this Coluccio gal is better than Johnny Cochran! "If the acrylic tips don't fit... you must acquit!"
FRIDAY, MARCH 2 Princess Diana. Gandhi. Martin Luther King Jr. John F. Kennedy. Funerals for important individuals have always been—and will always be—titanic events, ones designed to honor the noble lives led by the deceased. And so it was with Anna Nicole Smith, who was laid to rest today in the Bahamas. According to the Associated Press, the pink-themed funeral's centerpiece was Smith's mahogany casket, which was draped in a pink blanket that had her name emblazoned on it with rhinestones. Carried through a crowd made up of local Bahamians and tourists, a local church was decked out with pink roses before Smith was buried next to her son, and—according to Entertainment Tonight—was buried with an urn containing ashes of her 800 billion-year-old oil tycoon husband, J. Howard Marshall II. Rest in peace, sweet princess. Rest in pink, rhinestone-encrusted peace.
SATURDAY, MARCH 3 But Anna Nicole Smith's funeral wasn't the only major news this weekend—yesterday, conservative hatemonger Ann Coulter called John Edwards a "faggot." Well, more or less. Addressing cheering attendees at the Conservative Political Action conference, Coulter closed her remarks by saying "I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards—but it turns out you have to go to rehab if you use the word 'faggot,' so I... kind of at an impasse, can't really talk about Edwards." (Bloggers at thinkprogress.org quickly pointed out that previously, Coulter put "even money" on Hillary Clinton "coming out of the closet," insisted that Bill Clinton has "some level of latent homosexuality," and dispensed with the pleasantries for Al Gore, who she simply deemed a "total fag.") We'd call Coulter a "homophobic bitch," but that'd just be rude and intolerant. So instead we'll just ask: Really? You go to rehab for using the word "faggot"? In that case, can't we get Coulter into a rehab center? Preferably one far, far away, where we never have to hear her homophobic, bitchy jabs ever again?
SUNDAY, MARCH 4 There aren't many things we'll believe at first sight—we've been fooled too many times by wild, unsubstantiated rumors about a pair of Bottega Veneta sandals on sale at Saks. But the one thing we will wholeheartedly believe is anything having to do with the batshit crazy Britney Spears, who is currently bald, locked up in rehab, and... hold on, let us check this one... batshit crazy! Yes, the Britta has become utterly unpredictable, and therefore all news, however dubious, must be assumed to be at least possibly true. Take, for example, this story from News.com.au, which reports that Brit tried to kill herself. According to the site, the Britta scrawled the number "666" across her head, proclaimed "I am the anti-Christ," and then tried to "hang herself with a bedsheet." See, if this were anyone else, we'd know this story was totally a lie. (C'mon—writing "666" on your own forehead? So passé.) But with Britney? Could be totally true. And for our own sense of entertainment, we're going to take it as such.