MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20 If you love televised, career-ending train wrecks, then today was the day for you! On tonight's edition of The Late Show with David Letterman, racist comedian Michael Richards issued a babbling sort-of apology for last week's n-word-filled rant at a comedy club. In fact, his apology was so uncomfortable, and so close to the style of Richards' own comedy act, clueless audience members took it for a gag—that is until guest Jerry Seinfeld told the audience to stop laughing. However, Richards did say one thing that was ridiculously funny: "I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this... and yet it comes through, it fires out of me...." Ah. Now we've got it: See, Richards isn't a racist, but he does have an itty-bitty racist that lives inside of him that seems to pop out at inopportune moments. (Don't be surprised if that's the plot of Richards' newest failed sitcom, due out next fall on NBC.) MEANWHILE... In other train wreck news, the super-duper controversial O.J. Simpson "If I Did It" interview and book has been canceled by News Corp. head honcho himself, Rupert Murdoch, after a huge public outcry. "I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project," Murdoch said. Don't you love it when "senior management" agrees that it's morally repugnant to help an alleged murderer profit off his dead wife? We have so much in common! That's it... we're inviting "senior management" to Thanksgiving!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21 It's certainly one thing to vomit upon hearing a song by pop star/hotel heiress/porn ingénue Paris Hilton—but it's quite another when it's Paris doing the vomiting! In a truly hilarious (and this time, believable) tidbit of trash, Paris appalled onlookers at a Las Vegas nightspot, where she was seen "swilling straight vodka from a Grey Goose bottle for hours," and constantly checking her appearance in a compact, not two feet from a live performance by rapper Jay-Z. Then, after Jay's show, Paris leapt onto the stage, and according to a source, "had the people in charge throw her 'record' on the house stereo for her to lip sync two of her songs." However, the performance didn't turn out quite as planned when Paris vomited all over the stage, and then beat a hasty retreat. While many onlookers were stunned by the spectacle, most agreed it was one of Paris' more colorful (and truthful) performances.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Director Robert Altman—best known for such great films as MASH, Nashville, and The Player—passed away on Monday night. The good news is that we have his films, and Lindsay Lohan's rambling statement/condolences to remember him by. Says an obviously distraught LiLo, "I felt as I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches. If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could." Wait... WHAT?!? "He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do." Ummm... HUH?? "I've learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I'd had in several years." And while this baffling treatise continued for another lengthy eight paragraphs, the biggest head scratcher was Lindsay's sign-off, "BE ADEQUATE." It's kind of sweet if you think about it... Lindsay wants you to be something she can only dream about.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! And while it may be cynical to use this annual occasion to bitch and moan about things one is NOT thankful for... well, to paraphrase Popeye, "We yam what we yam." Our first "no thanks" goes out to Britney and K.Fed, who as it turns out, do NOT have a four-hour long sex tape to share with the world. The twosome have issued a joint statement debunking the rumor that lit up the internet last week, where we first heard that the tape would make Paris Hilton's sex tape One Night in Paris, look like "a children's cartoon." Damn it! We were so looking forward to a sexy remake of The Secret of NIMH! MEANWHILE... Increasingly annoying magician David Blaine did not kill himself today after escaping from a gyroscope dangling from Times Square (furthering proof of the non-existence of God). MEANWHILE... Even though several Arabic news sources reported it as fact, Vice President Dick Cheney did NOT visit our troops in Iraq today. In actuality, most of the soldiers were thankful he didn't drop by, because, as they put it, "If I wanted my face shot off, I'd step outside my tent." GOOD ONE!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24 EEEEEE! Think there's nothing to be thankful for? Then get ready for this: Tom Cruise wears a girdle! We know! EEEEEE! According to gossip maven Janet Charlton, Tom's a "nervous eater"—and before his wedding last week, he discovered that his custom Armani tux couldn't contain his plumpness. Luckily, Giorgio Armani himself suggested that Tom cinch himself up a bit... by means of a girdle. But we bet if we asked Tom about it, he'd claim it was some sort of weird Scientologist underwear. Those Mormons have their own creepy underwear, right? So maybe Tom's girdle is like that! Maybe it's woven from the finest hair of the Villainous Sirens of the Eighth Moon of Glaxton, and maybe Tom wears it, not to hide his beer gut, but because it gives him all sorts of terrifying L. Ron Hubbard-style superpowers, like the ability to mind meld with Vulcans, or to use the Force to banish Thetans to the Rigel VII's Infernal Pits of Suffering. Yeah. That must be it. Come to think of it, that's probably how Tom explains his platform shoes, too.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Finally—proof that we're accomplishing something in Iraq! Sure, it seems like we haven't been doing anything. And yes, Iraqis just won't stop dying, or whatever. And okay, armed militias continue to fragment and profligate. But hold on—that doesn't mean we're not accomplishing things! Look at this accomplishment: Today the amount of time the US has spent in Iraq eclipsed the amount of time we were involved in a little scuffle called World War II. Yes! Take that, hippies! Sure, keep on whining about peace and love and understanding. The rest of us are busy accomplishing things! Hey, wait—does this make us "The Greatest Generation" now? It does! Take that, grandpa! USA! USA! USA!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26 Merry Christmas, Rwanda! From your genocides to your civil wars to your famines, you've suffered more heinous atrocities than any nation should have to endure. That said... ah, well... okay. We don't know how to tell you this, Rwanda, so we're just going to come out with it: Get ready for Michael Jackson. According to Kije Mugisha, the deputy director general of the Rwandan Bureau of Information, Jacko will soon be bringing his special sort of crazy to Rwanda. "Michael Jackson is eager to know how many hospitals are in place in Rwanda and how he can help in improving people's health here," Mugisha told Africa News, adding that The King of Pop and/or Pederasts plans on visiting Rwanda next summer. According to MSNBC, Jackson's interest in Rwanda includes the media, healthcare, and... ah, yes, here it is: "Children's education." Yep. This should go well. Anyway, we're sorry to break the news to you, Rwanda. You didn't do anything to deserve this. But you're strong, right? You'll endure, right? And hey, this can't be any worse than genocide, right? Right?