MONDAY, MARCH 18
In news that may shock you senseless, Lindsay Lohan was in court again today (for reasons that should be obvious), where she was sentenced to 30 days of community service and 18 months of therapy (won't help). One humorous incident of note: During the hearing, Lindsay's new terrible attorney Mark Heller kept jumping up and interrupting the judge, and was actually scolded by Lohan who warned him, "Don't say anything else!" When he did it again, Lindsay snapped, "Oh my god, I'm going to kill you!" On the downside, it's bad when Lindsay is giving the best legal advice in the room. On the upside, if she did kill him, there's not a jury in the world that would convict. MEANWHILE... Alt-folk singer Michelle Shocked—who we faintly remember listening to in junior high—went on a homophobic tirade during a Sunday night concert in San Francisco, claiming that "God hates fags." While Michelle is a born-again Christian, she must also be born-again stupid, because (doy!) she said it in SAN FRANCISCO. Regardless, the rest of her tour quickly evaporated with every single venue canceling her upcoming performances—that is, except one: the Harmony Bar in Madison, Wisconsin. When asked if they too were planning on canceling her show, the person answering the phone reportedly said, "I won't know a damn thing until the boss comes back in eight days." In other words? Homophobes go home.
TUESDAY, MARCH 19
Happy 10th anniversary of the US-led invasion of Iraq, everybody! Let's check in to see how things are going: According to the New York Times, "Operation Iraqi Freedom" hasn't really freed Iraqis from much—unless you consider "freedom" being one of the 60 people killed today in Baghdad by a dozen al-Qaeda-inspired car bombs and suicide blasts. Also, according to a new Gallup poll, a majority of Americans now believe it was a mistake to invade Iraq. SO THERE'S THAT. And in a related story, while President Obama promised to shut down the Guantanamo Bay detention camp back in 2009, the prison is still going strong and now many detainees are going on hunger strikes in response to the president's broken promise. SO! In the words of former prez George W. Bush, we think we can confidently label this as a "mission accomplished." MEANWHILE... The internet blew a fuse today over CNN's coverage of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, in which a heavily inebriated 16-year-old girl was stripped, photographed, carried around to different parties, and sexually assaulted in a variety of ways including orally and penetrated vaginally by the fingers of various students. When two of the teen assailants—both football players—were convicted of rape, CNN's Poppy Harlow responded on live TV thusly, "It was... incredibly difficult to watch... what happened as these two young men—that had such promising futures, star football players, very good students—literally watched as they believe their life fell apart." Yes, Poppy, that must've been very difficult to watch! Good thing you didn't have to also watch these two football players rape an unconscious girl. That might have put a real damper on your day.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20
Now with the latest news on Jon Hamm's penis, it's time for Jon Hamm's Penis Watch! A source working for AMC (the network that carries Mad Men) said to the Daily News that the network instructed star Jon Hamm to "please wear underwear while shooting his scenes." According to the source, this season takes place in the tight-pants-wearing swinging '60s, and "Jon's impressive anatomy" [You know they're talking about his penis, right? His very large penis?] is leaving nothing to the imagination. IN OTHER MAD MEN NEWS... Co-stars Vincent Kartheiser (Pete Campbell) and Alexis Bledel (Beth Dawes) have announced their engagement, and plan on getting married outdoors. (There's less chance of Jon Hamm's ENORMOUS PENIS blocking sightlines. Thoughtful!)
THURSDAY, MARCH 21
According to the Sun, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are in the process of naming their baby that's due in July, and omigod we can't believe this is actually happening but apparently it is. The alleged number one name on the list? "North." As in "North West." IN A RELATED STORY... The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a landmark case in which fetus North West is asking permission to abort himself. Stay tuned for details.
FRIDAY, MARCH 22
We've been trying for hours to come up with something to write about this—but eventually just gave up. Instead, we simply encourage you to take a seat and brace yourself. Okay, ready? No, of course you aren't. All the same. Here we go. "Rihanna has found a way to get back at her two-timing bad-boy beau Chris Brown by hooking up with comedian Dane Cook!" reports the National Enquirer. Yes. Let's read that again, shall we? "Rihanna has found a way to get back at her two-timing bad-boy beau Chris Brown by hooking up with comedian Dane Cook!" See? Aren't you glad we told you to sit down? According to the Enquirer, Rihanna met Dane after one of his comedy shows, and the two now... well, let the Enquirer say it so that we don't have to. "'They hang out in Dane's dressing room and sometimes he goes back to her Pacific Palisades home to party,' revealed an insider. 'They flirt like crazy, and Dane regularly sends Rihanna flowers and gushy emails. Rihanna's friends all think they're carrying on a romance, but she's very secretive about it. She wants to keep everyone guessing, especially Chris.'" AND THAT'S NOT ALL. "Chris suspects there may be something going on between Rihanna and Dane, and the two have gotten into 'horrible screaming matches' about it," the Enquirer adds. "But Rihanna's loving every minute of it, says the source. 'The only thing she likes more than male attention is drama. She loves having Dane and Chris chasing after her at the same time.'" We can't... we're... whoa are you... strawberries? Bears. Purple? (Apologies, dears. We just had a stroke.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 23
After valiantly putting in the work to make a video about their school's philanthropic activities, the students of Chicago's Barrington High School won a prize—a special appearance from Rihanna at their school! There was just one problem: Rihanna showed up four and a half hours late, trying the patience of the 2,500 people in the "overwhelmingly female crowd" that waited inside the school's gym for most of the day. And when RiRi did show up—after 5 pm, for a scheduled 1 pm appearance—she only stayed for 16 minutes. "Our school worked hard to win this. She should be more respectful," junior Patricia Halle told the Chicago Tribune. "Rihanna is pathetic," seventh-grader Jaki Mora correctly noted. "She shouldn't be making us wait for her." We're not sure how, but we're pretty sure this is Dane Cook's fault.
SUNDAY, MARCH 24
"In the nine years since the [assault weapons] ban expired, the political momentum for renewed legislation has been almost nonexistent," wrote the New York Times earlier this week, reporting on the Senate's complete failure to renew the ban, despite calls to do so from President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and sensible people all over the planet. "Mass shootings on college campuses and in a packed movie theater, the killing of 20 schoolchildren in Newtown in December, the halting pleas of Gabrielle Giffords, the Arizona representative whose career was ended by a bullet to the head—none propelled it forward this year," the Times added. Hey, here's a neat new game: If Newtown couldn't wake Americans up, try to imagine what will. Fun! IN RELATED NEWS... We're not sure how, but we're pretty sure that this is Dane Cook's fault too.