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Portland as Fuck

Wolves

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THERE WAS a point in human history when it made sense to discourage homosexual relationships, simply from a hard numbers standpoint. There were hella wolves, and smart people were like, "Oh fuck, there are hella wolves. We're losing, like, 15 people a day to wolfdeath—which would be fine, but there are a bunch of people who are super enthused about butt fucking and they never have any babies... let's tell them that it bums God out if you butt fuck all day. We'll get those wolves yet." Don't get me wrong, people were still butt fucking and lady butt fucking all over the place, they just had to hide it so as not to publicly bum out God 'n' such.

The problem with the Bible is that it lacked foresight. It didn't know we would one day become an overcrowded planet. Encouraging behavior that would lead to more babies made sense once upon a time, but it doesn't make sense anymore. It's an archaic command. The people stomping around and claiming that homosexuality is wrong because it says it's wrong in the Bible are the religious equivalent of those Japanese soldiers on remote Pacific islands who never found out that World War II was over. Here's what the Bible should have said: "It super bums out God if you butt fuck, so don't butt fuck, but if there are ever so many people on the planet that there are TWO Gallaghers, please feel free to butt fuck without remorse."

When I see someone who is intimidated by gay marriage, I see a child startled by dinosaur bones at a museum. When I see someone try to deny someone else the right to pursue a full and equal life because of that intimidation, I see that same child throwing a pants-shitting tantrum, covered in snot and cotton candy, crying on the floor of the museum's gift shop. I don't give a fuck if you're cranky 'cuz the dinosaur bones scared you—you need to grow up or we aren't coming to this museum anymore.

I'm going to be very corny right here, but... you know what makes me love this country, even when we fuck up in big ways? My people, the Jews, got chased all over Europe and Asia for hundreds and hundreds of years. They were killed, beaten, tortured—yes—but they were also denied the basic dignities of being functioning members of society. They weren't allowed to shop at certain stores, they weren't allowed to live in certain parts of town.

This isn't the same as being struck down with a sword, but it's a slow, humiliating, grating death. It's a hollowing out of one's humanity. For hundreds of years we were chased from humiliating scenario to humiliating scenario with only occasional respite... and then the United States happened. Though the notion that "all men are created equal" has been laughably ignored at times (slavery, tons of other things that pale in comparison to slavery) it has always been the country's mission statement, and one that we come closer to realizing with an agonizingly glacial−but deliberate−pace. In the United States of America, I get to live in any neighborhood I can afford and two lesbians in Gresham get to buy a wedding cake. If you don't like it, get the fuck out of the museum.  @IanKarmel

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